The Vampoife Dood Who Lifed
by Riddell Lee
Summary: A Mary Sue has infiltrated the world of Harry Potter and decided to combine it with Twilight. Four unwilling and snarky readers of the story are drawn into the brave new world of magic, sparkles, and interactive narrators.
1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

**Inspired by the likes of _My Immortal _and _Brewdining Love_...**

**A collaboration between Slythering Potter and White Rabbit Asylum...**

******This isn't strictly _Harry Potter_ and _Twilight_, though those are at the forefront. As of now, we have four different fandoms thrown in here (_Harry Potter_, _Twilight_, _Death Note_, and _Supernatural_). There may be more in the future. To simplify things, we'll give a brief description of the important additional characters. Hopefully, this story is still enjoyable even without understanding all four fandoms.**

**Summary: **A Mary Sue has infiltrated the world of Harry Potter and decides to combine it with Twilight. But something goes wrong, and four unwilling (and snarky) readers are drawn into the brave new world of magic, sparkles, and interactive narrators. The only way to escape? Defeat the Sue. Easier said than done.

**Warnings (T-Rated): **Making fun of Mary Sues, random instances of unintelligible writing, no fourth wall, slash, language, violence, some intentional OOC, parody, excessive references to Internet phenomenon, making fun of DA SPARKLES

**Pairing(s): **Edward Cullen/Mary Sue, Harry Potter/Mary Sue, Draco Malfoy/Mary Sue, Harry/Ginny, B/Edward Cullen, Edward/Bella, Dean/Various, Snape/Lily, Sam/B, Sam/Moaning Myrtle, Voldemort/Bellatrix, Voldemort/Quirrel_ (Go watch A Very Potter Musical. It's on youtube. Now. Seriously, we'll wait. This story will be here when you get back. Just go watch it.),_ Malfoy/Hermione, Ron/Hermione

**Disclaimer: **Neither of us own Harry Potter, Twilight, Death Note, or Supernatural. We do, however, own our original characters and places, as well as our ideas. Not that you would want them, but that's a disclaimer for you.

**Now, without further ado...**

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Chapter One

**:::**

Dean Winchester's day began unpleasant, then seemed to make up its mind to get worse.

He awoke with a splitting headache and the lingering taste of tequila in his mouth. Okay, that sucked, but it could be worse. Waking up tied to a chair surrounded by pagan gods who were intent upon having him for Christmas dinner was definitely worse. But finding himself alone led to the natural conclusion that the hangover was not even _slightly_ worth it.

He checked under his pillow – maybe there was a note or a promise to call, or something – but found only a few pieces of lint. Getting out of bed, he accidentally stepped on one of the many empty jam jars which had rolled out from under his bed, and went crashing to the floor. Unable to think up any sort of known curse that quite covered that, he made up a few on the spot.

Downstairs, the coffee had the consistency of mud. And the taste wasn't far off, either.

Okay. It was fine. If he could deal with forty years of Hell, he could deal with some shitty coffee. At least the caffeine would clear away the headache.

As soon as this thought had crossed his mind, however, there were a few thuds from the stairs, and B hurtled into the room, screaming incoherently and jumping up and down so quickly that he barely seemed to touch the floor.

"Come on! I found it! I found it!"

And he was out of the room again.

Dean blinked and took another sip of coffee as he trailed out of the room. Over the past few years, he'd grown used to B's discoveries and hadn't much cared for any of them. (The strangest to date was probably the alligator with laser beam eyes. Dean tried not to reflect on that very often.)

He followed B's ecstatic shouts upstairs to the "reading sanctuary" (apparently calling it a library implied sharing, which L was highly opposed to) and found the rest of the household already assembled there. L was perched in front of the computer and did not look up as the door opened. B was screaming and spinning in circles in the corner. And at the center of it all, Sam sat hunched over in his chair, his head in his hands, radiating defeat.

"E tu, Sammy?"

Sam glanced up. He looked as if he'd endured unspeakable horrors since waking up that morning. "Couldn't help it. Had no choice. Save yourself."

"C'mon, Sammy!" B said, pausing in his jumping long enough to throw his arms around Sam's neck in what looked more like a chokehold than a hug. "You love this stuff and you know it!"

"Get off me."

B ignored this request. If anything, he tightened his hold. "Take a seat, Dean."

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

"Endurance test."

At this, there was a sharp intake of breath from around the room. This had just become _serious business_. Tension crackled in the air like a physical force. No one breathed. Far away, across miles of wilderness and rolling hills, a lonely goatherd paused in his daily routine, sensing that something – though he knew not what – was about to happen and change the very universe itself in unforeseen ways.

Dean took a step back towards the door. "No. _No!_ We can't. I can't. Not again. _My Immortal_ was bad enough, and then it was _Brewdening Love_, and…" He trailed off, feeling as though someone had just put an ice cube down the back of his shirt.

B frowned. "But you have to. L found a really good one."

"B-kun, do _not_ try to blame this on _me_."

"_I_ found I really good one. But L was very close by at the time."

L sighed and stirred a few more sugar cubes into his tea. Dean supposed that this was the same mentality that allowed fascist dictators to stay in power. No one wanted to be the one to speak up and risk getting shot. Or stabbed, knowing B.

Okay. He'd put up with forty years in Hell and been just fine. This wouldn't hurt. He could do this.

He took a deep breath. "What is this one?"

"It's called _The_ _Vampoife Dood Who Lifed._"

"Oh God. Let me guess, Harry Potter meets Twilight meets stupid?"

B nodded and beamed. "Should we switch to script format?"

**Dean:** "Yeah, that's a— ah, here we go… much easier."

**L:** "Shall we begin?"

**B:** "Hell yes!"

The Vampoife Dood who Lifed

**Chapt 1**

_Dean: "The author just... didn't care."_

**A/N Ola!**

_L: "I'll assume that was an attempt at bilingualism."_

**o i wrte a fafictin abou wat ould happen is combimed harry potter and twilight because they are major hotties and both so emo and hot amirite? iposted it her so you guyz can cee it and what would hapen thanks /\/\/\/\/**

_Dean: "So the general idea is that Harry Potter and Twilight – not Edward Cullen, Twilight – are hot emo guys and she wants to put them in a fanfic together."_

_B: "Oooh, slashy!"_

_Sam: "God help us.**"**_

**Heyooo!**

_B: "Hello, new friend! I'm sure that in future hours I will grow to hate you more than I already do! Cheers!"_

**Mah name is Lilac Cretan Rosetta Veron**

_Dean: "All these characters must have terrible parents to give them names like that."_

**and I haz**

_B: "I can has a cheeseburger?"_

**long luxorius white bwond hair**

_Sam: "I'll translate: platinum blonde."_

**and really gorgmous spargnsdlin **

_L: "That is... the farthest thing from an intelligible word I have ever seen."_

**blu orbs**

_Dean: "Is that... eyes?"_

_Sam: "Let's not jump to conclusions._

**and palish skin but it haz like…**

_L: "In coming years, this will become almost as famous at "The Jabberwocky" for its inventive use of the English language."_

_Sam: "Don't bet on it."_

**goldey dust alls over it and kinda sparkles in de son! **

_B: "Only Edward Cullen can sparkle and get away with it, you copycat bitch!"_

_Sam: "Dude, calm d—"_

_B: "I cannot calm down! Edward Cullen is the hottest... the prettiest... the most perfect-"_

_Dean: "Oh, gag me."_

**Mah's a wittle shorter than avereage…. Bwat it makes mah look cutness!**

_Dean: "Never mind._

**So i iz**

_B: (shouting at the sky) "LOLCATS!"_

**gonna go ta Howgarts tomarrow** **(I iz 17, but mah iz exchanging scoools)**

_Dean: "Wait - what? She's changing schools and going to a magical wizarding school that probably should have noticed she had 'magical' potential when she was eleven?"_

_B: "Maybe she went to Pigfarts before."_

**. I amz**

_Sam: "No... more... z's..."_

**a witch**

_Dean: "Burn the witch!"_

**and part elfish (hense de beauty~!)** **mah famili dyed**

_Sam: "What color?"_

**and so I haz to go with mah weally mean cosin.**

_L: "I'm certain no one has heard this immensely original plot twist before."_

**She's da jserk! But I'm speshal! I magic! :-P**

_Dean: "Please tell me this person won't be allowed to reproduce."_

**So. I iz going to bed. To Wakey de nex morning early! BYEBEYEBYEBYEBEY**

_B: "...Bye?"_

**I wokes up. Sleepy wazn't really good. Tooo exsited for the on comin day! I desided to wear somthin cute…...**

_Sam: "I'm surprised."_

**A whit tee that says AnGELS!**

_B: "Do not want."_

**On it in pretty sparkley leatters**

_Dean: "Sparkles... because that makes everything better!"_

**and a light blu skort that has frilly stuff on it and a jean jaqet. **

_Dean: "Because we all care, right?"_

**I walked out of mah room to da ****maine**** livin room ta see de rest of mah famile dere.**

_L: "The family which... died?"_

**mah aount and oncle**

_B: "Wait... her what...?"_

**waz in ze kichten**

_Dean: "She's French now?"_

**maken some sort of breakfast**

_L: "Thank goodness there are no specifics... I shudder to think how this author would spell something like 'bacon and eggs'."_

**dat smeeled reeeely good. But my stoopid wealy mean cosine…. KATE!111!11**

_Sam: "What about her...?" _

**She loked up from de cooch**

_B: "From the... what?"_

**and glared at mah! :O!fjskal;!**

_L: "It's like she suffered from an epileptic fit and forgot to delete it."_

**"Waht do u wantz?" I aked annooiyed**

_B: "Wow, Sammy, she sounds almost as bitchy as you!"_

**She dint repaly but rowled her eyez and wooked back at de TV. **

_Sam: "Best character so far, hands down."_

**I ignored her…**

_Sam: "Because of course, anyone who doesn't like you must not be worthy of your attention, right?"_

**shes alwaz roood!and den…...**

_B: "So... suspenseful!"_

** we had Brakefast!**

_Sam: "Wow... not worth it."_

**It waz goood… den I waz back upstares to pack! **

_L: "This seems like one of those things you should have done... last night?"_

**YAY!**

_Dean: "Not as much as you think."_

**A/N: so thats sf fyst chaptr!1**

_Sam: "You use that term loosely."_

**i hop you like and everetthing**

_B: "You 'hop' that, do you?"_

**mwah leave nic reviews1!**

_Dean: "No."_


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

**:::**

**Chapter 2!**

_B: "This is so exciting... or whatever..."_

**A/N mah second**

_L: "Yes, we've established that."_

**peeople anz I don have no reviws!**

_Dean: (flatly) "I'll never forget where I was when I heard the news."_

**=(**

_Sam: "Oh, cry me a river."_

**U guyz jus don apresicate gud witin**

_B: "Okay, so I could understand the first four 'words,' but after that... I'm lost."_

_Sam: "It's gonna be like Mad Gab, where you have to say it a few times before it makes sense."_

_Dean: (after a moment) "Appreciate good writing. I think."_

_L: "I think the irony here is glaringly obvious."_

**eny mor!**

_B: "The exclamation points don't cancel each other out."_

_Sam: "...Wow. You listened to something I said."_

_B: "And remembered it. Today, I hold my head high with pride!" (cheesy grin)_

**An I no dat de firs chapt waz a wittle borin**

_L: "Not one word spelled correctly..."_

_Sam: "I'm almost impressed, and __not__ in a good way."_

**but it pICKES UP DES CHAPT! =))))))**

_Dean: "Is that a smiley face with many chins?"_

**Edowardo en HARYY**

_B: "First time through, and she misspelled Edward Cullens name... I hate this girl."_

_Dean: "Edwardo. That's possibly the gayest name I've EVER heard."_

_Sam: "Just for the sake of balance, I'll needlessly point out that 'Harry' doesn't have two y's."_

**join de stori nao!**

_Dean: "No."_

**I waz so exsited dat I started to SING!**

_L: "Oh no."_

**(I haz a verry preety voice btw)**

_Sam: "Of course, what Mary Sue __doesn't__?"_

_Dean: (glares at the screen) "We'll be the judge of that."_

**an dance an wook lik a fairy1!**

_L: "I believe that."_

**But den I was don**

_B: "That was over without too much drama."_

**so I had to go.**

_Dean: "Just like that, huh?"_

**I had to sit by….. kate… GLARES!W!**

_Sam: "Is she glaring at us, or...?"_

_Dean: "Don't read too much into it."_

_L: (a pause) "How do you suppose a 'w' found its way in there?"_

**I dint talk to her de wole way. An she dint either.**

_Sam: "Well, I'm glad she didn't talk to herself..."_

_B: "I'm I the only one who thinks Kate is a pretty normal gal while the author is just... insane?"_

_Dean: "No."_

"**Can we grab something to eat, after we drop… what's her face, at the train station?" asked Kate.**

_(There's a pause. Everyone stares at the screen.)_

_Dean: "Was that a... coherent sentence?"_

_L: "I believe it was."_

_Sam: "...What the hell..."_

**I wippled around**

_Dean: "Okay, looks like it's over."_

**ta fix her wiff a glare!**

_L: "And you weren't glaring before?"_

_Sam: "'Glare' seems to be the only word she fully understands..."_

"**Oh!" I ased "Am i not alowdd to eaten den!"**

_L: "How did she draw that inference?"_

"**No."**

_B: "Epic win, Kate. For the wolf."_

**I gaspded!**

_Dean: "Wow - that could not be farther from a word."_

**How ROOOD!**

_Sam: "It could be worse, trust me."_

"**Honey cakes! Youz are gonnna eat on de train," sasys aunty smiling brightly at mah.**

_Dean: "Can I say something? Yuck."_

**Kate smirked. "Yeah, 'honey cakes,' you go eat magical sweets, become fat, try to… magic yourself thin or something, and mess up horribly. I wish you luck."**

_L: "...Something very strange is happening whenever Kate speaks."_

_Sam: "Yeah, it is..."_

_(Concerned pause...)_

**I fixde her wif a malsious angry look.**

_Dean: "Would you look at that - she found another way of saying 'glare'."_

**I weally h8ed her… like. REEELY!**

_L: "O RLY?"_

**So MEAN!**

_B: "Wow - I wonder why."_

**She waz roining mah stori!1!**

_(A pause.)_

_L: "This is... interesting."_

_Sam: "Whenever Kate says something, it's good grammar and spelling..."_

_B: "Which is, like, totally different from normal."_

_Dean: "And she's ruining the story?"_

_(Suspicious silence.)_

_B: "You guys don't think that...?"_

_Sam: "No, that's ridiculous..." (pause) "Isn't it?"_

_Dean: (after a moment) "Yeah, of course... we're just... imagining this..." (he looks doubtful)_

**Den we got dere, and left them.**

_B: "Once again, not too much drama or anything."_

**ttly forget abot †Kate†**

B: "Okay... that was weird."

**and den got inta de plateform 9 ¾**

_Dean: "Wow. Accuracy, huh?"_

**and I saw HARRY POTTER!**

_Sam: "Look, B - another Mary Sue with Shinigami eyes. You can totally relate, huh?"_

_B: (just stares at him) "I hate you for that more than you could ever possibly realize."_

**He was soooo smexy.**

_L: "We'll take your word for it."_

**Blac thorns of hare**

_L: "These authors seem to have an overabundance of rabbits."_

**hanngin in his Gorgmous bootle green orbs…**

_Dean: "Eyes?"_

_Sam: "No, orbs. Don't assume ANYTHING."_

*** SIGH* I waved him ovah**

_B: "Don't do it, it's a trap!"_

**and he smiled a wittle nervos**

_B: "RUN! She's gonna rape you, Harry!"_

**and says hi back.**

_L: "That's some strange wording..."_

**Hes SO CUTE! * Squeels***

_Dean: "What the hell is wrong with you?"_

"**How R ya, Harry?"**

_Sam: "It's a combination of how Hagrid talks, and how teenagers text. I'm getting a headache."_

**I asks him flitting mah eyelashes I-catchingly**

_B: "Wait... what?"_

**He tits his haed**

_(Dean snickers.)_

**to de side, "Ima fine… U wana sit wif me and Ron and Hermoniise?"**

_L: "One question mark would have sufficed."_

"**YEAH!" I said escitedly.**

_Sam: "Because every author has to invent their own adverbs, huh?"_

**He leaded mah to were they waz**

_B: "You know you spend too much time on lolcats when..."_

**loading there stuff and I said hi**

_Sam: "Unpunctuated, of course."_

**to Hermonni**

_Dean: "Ooh, so close."_

**and Ron.I ttly new dat he liked her… obllivous to Any1!**

_L: "Lilac foils the romantic subplot with her undeniable logic."_

**Dey were alreedy wearing dere Wizardering robes.**

_Dean: "This girl's keyboard ought to go on strike any time now..."_

**Den all of a SUDAN!**

_B: "CAR!"_

_Sam: "Don't yell."_

**We were at HOGWARTS1!1**

_L: "That was abrupt."_

**YAHOOOOOOOOO**

_Dean: "I think she's excited."_

**A/N: so thats mi styrend chappy11!**

_L: "How precious. It can count."_

**pleajsd opnly nice revoiws, kk?/**

_Dean: "Was that 'openly nice' or 'only nice'?"_

_Sam: "The world may never know."_


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

**:::**

**A/N: omg omogm ogm!**

_B: "I think it's overjoyed."_

_Dean: "Where WOULD the world be without you and your code-cracking skills?"_

**my third chatper! thaon youi alls forj the nice redding.!, f**

_L: "It's as though she attempted to speak another language, and gave up halfway through the sentence."_

**evertbody thought harry was fo coool and he is.**

_Sam: "I want... to kill her."_

_Dean: (mutters) "Get in line."_

**:333**

_L: "Three-three-three. She's only half evil."_

_Sam: "That's debatable."_

**hee's smiled at mah all sexi and i sooned.**

_B: "Kill... it... dead."_

**He waz so… yummy….**

_Dean: "Om nom nom nom."_

**But ya see…. Ovar de summer I reed Twilight**

_L: "This can only end poorly."_

**and nao I thinks to mahself. Woodnt it be like… HAWT if they were both here?**

_B: "If... Twilight was there?"_

_Sam: "Not Edward Cullen or anything."_

**Too boyfirends iz beatter dan ONE! :DDDDD**

_B: "...You... slut."_

**So I wished REALLLY REALLY Hard And…**

_Sam: "More suspenseful than Criminal Minds, huh?"_

**Nothin…**

_Dean: "That was a let down."_

**I waz sad cuz I fought I waz magic so… I shold b able ta do anythun.**

_Sam: "Wow - not how that works."_

**After the feast…**

_L: "Why so many ellipses?"_

**I went ta bed and wishes again but nuthn happen so I cryed a little**

_B: "Every time an emo kid cries a Viking comes down from Norse lands and dismembers a kitten. Please... think of the kittens."_

**and den went ta sleepy.**

_Dean: "She tells it like it is."_

**I weant to breakfast wiff Hary in de morning.**

_B: "Ooh - smexy!"_

**XD He w8ted for mah and we walked in tagether! Every1 was SOOOO jealsuohs**

_B: "She's kinda a slut... and a bitch..."_

_Sam: "You're just pissed off about the fact that she's obsessed over Edward, too."_

_B: "Yes, but I also stand by what I said."_

**hahahahh**

_Dean: "Evil cackle?"_

**And Den the MAIL CAME.**

_L: "Exciting."_

**I waz surpized ta get a letter… I dint thought I forget anythinn.**

_B: "Also surprising, because I'd have thought no one would write to you."_

**It was from….**

_Dean: "Wait for it..."_

**KATE XGHAGHDLisisad**

_L: (deadpan) "Rawr."_

"**There is some guy at my school…. from one of your books… and he's wondering where the hell he is. It has your stench ALL OVER IT. Fix. This. Mess. I don't want my school year to go Savage Llamas like every summer. Get him out of here, or SOMETHING!"**

**Kate**

_Sam: "Okay - something really weird is happening here, right?"_

_L: "Yes."_

_Dean: "Either the author actually knows how to write, or..."_

_B: "Or what?"_

_(Pause...)_

_Dean: "Or... never mind. It's... stupid. Just keep reading."_

**i waz mad for a sec untul**

_B: "Super-mega-awful fail."_

**I realsied dat mah WISHING WORKED!W!**

_L: "The all prevalent 'w' strikes again."_

**bwat he waz at stoopid mean reatarded Kate school… bc he warent a wizard.**

_B: "He doesn't have to be a wizard! He's Edward wolfing Cullen!"_

**So….. I DESIDED TO MESH DE WOLDS TOGABA!**

_Dean: "This has bad idea written all over it."_

_L: "Yep."_

**So. I wshed REEALLY HARD! ! !**

_Dean: "Yeah. That'll do it."_

**harder than I Haz ever Wished befour and…..**

_Sam: "I'm sure everyone is holding their breath."_

**der was a LOUD boom and an explosian**

_B: "Explosian. Sounds like something a bunch of kids would find in a magical wardrobe."_

**and suandly**

_L: "I intend to write a very strongly worded letter to whatever school should have been responsible for this child's education."_

**the scoool looked A LOT bigger**

_B: "No, seriously?"_

**and dere was a lot more ppeople there and the world I think might hve ded**

_Sam: "Huh?"_

**a little bit, but I could see EDWARD in the crowed!**

_B: "You don't have the right to call him by first name, you stupid-"_

_Dean: "Dude - B. You overreact, and you're really... awkward about the whole Edward Cullen thing."_

_B: "...Because I love him!"_

_Dean: "...I'm not gonna talk to you anymore."_

***SQEEEEEEE8**

_L: "No __u__, then?"_

**I waved him ovar and he com.**

_Dean: (stares at the screen) "I feel like we're living on a constant diet of stupidity."_

**I waz so happy to see im! He wa SMEXy and handsome an huba hawt….**

_B: "That doesn't even begin to cover it."_

**But den…. I saw Kate.**

_(Everyone sits forward, intrigued.)_

**I hopped she dint see me But den I haerd her…**

_L: "That was unintelligible. I don't speak idiot."_

"**Lilac! What the hell did you do?" she shouted.**

_Sam: "There's definitely something going on here..."_

**I turned ta her and says, "I commiend**

_L: "And this just sounds likes something from the Soviet Union."_

**de two wolds togaba and nows I have Ed and Harry all to mah!"**

_B: "That's what you think, and his name is not Ed!"_

**Kate stared at her. "I have no clue what you just said. Reverse it!"**

_Sam: "What the...?"_

"**NO!" I Screeched! Dat idea was horrbible den I won't be wif ed and Harry!**

_B: "Threesome, yay!"_

**And dey are sooo sexy!**

_L: "She's not a really deep thinker, is she?"_

**I looked at Edo**

_B: "Do not want!"_

**and winked sexah and he blushed… den looked confussled.**

_Dean: "Vampire's do not blush! What is wrong with you?"_

"**I swear, fix this mess or your going to find out what being mean is," Kate said quietly.**

_Dean: "This is... insane... What the hell is going on with this chick?"_

**I stopped for a munite**

_Dean: "Okay, that's a pretty simple word... I don't know quite how she screwed it up..."_

**I heard somthin.**

_Sam: "I'm imagining dramatic music in the background."_

_B: "I'm not."_

**Ppl were talking about me…**

_Dean: "Dude, I think she's getting paranoid."_

**I iz not parnoid! Who says dat?**

_(Silence)_

_B: "What the—?"_

_Sam: "Yeah… that's weird."_

"**Wats weird?" I aked aloud, wondern who says dat.**

_Sam: "…"_

"**Well, you are for one," Kate said narrowing her eyes suspiciously. "Now, make this right. I am not kidding, you really wolfed up the world and now you better fix it I'm going to make you into a knuckle sandwich."**

_B: "For the epic wolf, Kate."_

**no she is a bda personf ;tyyou stuuuuuuuuuupid111111111!**

_Dean: "Is she... talking to..."_

_L: (after a pause) "Us...?"_

**YEA! Mah iz talkn to UUU~! Who iz dat?1**

_Sam: "What the—?"_

"**Can ya here somethun?" I says ta Kate lookin roun mah now.**

_L: "This is getting really, really weird."_

**She stared. "No. But I wouldn't be surprised if you finally cracked and went crazy." She smirked, "It was bound to happen."**

_B: "Kate. Is. Awesome." (grin)_

_L: "I'm still trying to figure out why she talks normally…."_

_Dean: "Yeah… that is… interesting. And it's happened often enough to for sure not be a fluke."_

**KATE IZ NOOOOOT AWEESOME! Fhajklshv bfljd;bovji!%$%^U%#**

_Dean: "...What the hell was that?"_

_B: "I am nowhere near being the most talented fanfiction writer on this site... but I can say one thing: I create. This girl vomits."_

"**STOPPPP! Says BALSPHEMIIII!" I screedhed**

_Sam: "...Yeah. It's talking to us."_

_L: "Most certainly."_

_B: "This is like Jumanji. Minus the game. Minus the plants, and the rhinos, and the Robin Williams. Okay, so it's nothing like Jumanji at all."_

_Sam: (just blinks) "I don't know what's the saddest - the fact that you got sidetracked on a simple metaphor, or the fact that I understood what you were trying to say._

_Dean: (clears his throat) "Back on topic. So it's talking to us... interacting with us... what do we do now?"_

_(Pause.)_

_Sam: "We could... hunt it?"_

_B: "That's your solution?"_

_L: "The mentality of their fandom is, simply put: shoot, burn, kill."_

_Dean: (a moment's silence) "You have a point, L. We could burn it!"_

_(Sam just makes a prissy face.)_

**Kate chuckled darkly. "Says blasphemy… interesting."**

"**SHUDD UP!" I snarkled, whipped around ta glare at her! Mah beau locks flyin arnd too.**

_L: "This has gotten to the point that I can almost feel my IQ points slipping away."_

**Kate merely rolled her eyes. "Like I'm going to start listening to you now when your sanity hangs in the balance. Is it a high cold voice or a deep one cause that could mean your either possessed by Vol-whatever and your going to die, or you have developed spontaneous schizophrenia and the small voice is going to tell you to kill yourself. Either way, it's a win win."**

_B: "I wolfing love her. Marry me, Kate."_

_Sam: "I thought you liked Edward Cullen."_

_B: (creepy grin) "Can't I have both?"_

_Sam: "No, because that's polygamy, and it's illegal in all fifty states."_

**fdity-t0o! way 2 leaf out hawaee and alaska, rcaist!**

_L: "I can sense the public education system crumbling around us."_

_**that's it sdofjedlrfjre9ou4j o289io3! get heik NAO!**_

_Dean: "I can sense the fourth wall collapsing around us."_

_L: "Yes, that's very droll, Dean, but I was attempting to make a valid-"_

_Dean: "No, I mean, seriously. Don't you feel that?"_

_(A pause.)_

_Sam: "It's like a tingly feeling."_

_B: (creeper smile) "I like it. It tickles."_

_Dean: "Wait... I recognize this feeling... it's like the same thing that happens when we get called to those... Character Conferences..."_

_Sam: "Oh, not again...!"_

The four men, while fully under the impression that they were being rudely dragged away from this slowly becoming interesting story, were immensely surprised to discover that they hadn't been teleported to the Character Issues building. It took them a moment in fact to even realize where they were, for they had never been in this place before, nor did they recognize even one person of the several thousand that stood around them. That is... until they were addressed by a dialect that was impossible not to recognize.

"Dere U R!" someone screeched, and they turned to see two girls staring at them, one surprised and the other spitting mad. "Mah haz ben W8ting four u!"

"Holy wolf!"

And yes, B was very correct when he said this. Lilac was even worst in the flesh. She was short, but thin in the extreme with perfectly proportioned extremities. Her platinum blond hair was long, and fell in elegant curls down her back while enormous blue eyes seemed to literally sparkle. Her pale skin was, as she had said, flecked with golden dust and glimmered slightly as the light caught it.

In short? It was the worst thing any of them had ever witnessed, or were likely to witness again.

"i iz so maledhjf at u!"

Dean stared at her for a moment before he leaned over to Sam to speak in a whisper, "What the wolf _is _that?"

"I think it's a... uh... Mary Sue."

"It's friggin' _terrifying_."

They stood there for a moment, staring at the girl in horror while she spewed forth a stream of random gibberish, which seemed to be the verbal equivalent of the abuse her keyboard had apparently been subjected to. After perhaps thirty seconds of what one could only assume was some sort of berating, B seemed to experience a small mental breakdown and clasped his hands over his ears.

"Someone... make it stop..."

"Wow, even B can't stand it. And that's saying a lot," Sam said, almost in awe.

"What the _hell _is going on?" said a third voice and the four turned to see who could one could only assume was Kate.

Kate had never been described by Lilac, but she looked as one might just assume her to be. She had brown hair, of about medium length and light brown eyes. She was of average height and seemed a little tanner than most as if she preferred the outdoors to sitting and doing nothing productive. She was however at the moment staring at them with a mixture of suspicion and alarm.

"Wish I could tell you," Dean muttered, turning again to stare at Lilac. "This isn't even one of our usual Authors..."

"Authors?" Kate repeated, arching an eyebrow. "What the...?"

Dean seemed on the verge of some sort of snarky comment, and so Sam quickly intercepted. "Authors. Our fandom - television show, that is - has a usual host of writers who control our every move. Sorta. And then us, personally... well, we have our fanfiction writers, and... yeah, well, Mary Sue here isn't one of them."

Kate looked as if he had just begun reciting calculus equations.

"You just made me think of something," B put in, tearing his eyes away from Lilac for a moment. "Does that mean that in some sort of alternate universe, there are more characters just like us who are controlled by different fanfiction authors? In that case, we totally have to figure out a way to bridge the gap!" His eyes widened. "I could meet myself! And we could have long talks about jam, and being better than L, and Edward C- EDWARD CULLEN!"

"Oh crap."

Now, it has been established B, the total creep that he is, had an enormous man-crush upon Edward Cullen. In fact, one could even argue that there was nothing manly about that crush, and let's face the facts... there wasn't. But other than the hundreds of incredibly awkward and minds-eye gouging comments, the young man had never actually met the source of his infatuation face to face. That is... until now.

B was staring wide eyed, his whole being uplifted as if he were experiencing the purest ecstasy known to man... or rather as if his birthday had come early, as the previous metaphor is a little disturbing in itself.

The teen before them could only be Edward Cullen, for it was impossible that anyone else could look so unbelievably _perfect _and still be possible. He was tall and straight backed, and dressed in one would expect to find at a designers department store for thousands of dollars. His copper hair was pleasantly ruffled and just short enough so that one could clearly see all the features of his face, which were actually quite blinding to any persons looking intently at it. His face was eerily symmetrical and absolutely flawless. And his eyes... a beautiful dark ocher which seemed to shimmer cryptically in the artificial lighting. And, lets not forget the color of his skin... A pure ivory, whiter than snow, and it would no doubt do a certain _thing _in the sunlight.

The narrator would like to take this moment to thank Stephenie Meyer for setting the standards of teenage girls - and apparently B - unrealistically high. This subtle propaganda is very likely to result in the most efficient population control since... well, let's just say, since whatever happened in _The Giver_. Great, job, Meyer! The narrator doesn't want humanity to end up like _The Giver_! It hated that book!

Moving past this metaphor-gotten moment.

"EDWARD CULLEN!" B shrieked again. He was, by this point, jumping up and down as if possessed by an ADHD demon, which, in truth, probably shouldn't be ruled out.

Edward Cullen merely stared at him for a moment, following the jumping motion with his amber eyes. Which, as both B and Stephenie Meyer would remind us, were very beautiful. And amber. Like... something made out of amber. Which was apparently very beautiful.

"Do I... know you?"

"No, you don't," Sam said quickly before B could respond. And heaven forbid THAT happened. "He's just a fan."

"Like?" Edward questioned.

"Like, a really wolfing dedicated fan," Dean said. "Don't let him come too close."

They turned to look at B, who was still jumping with his eyes round as freakin' saucers. Sam had put a hand around his arm – just a precaution – and was watching him bounce up and down with a slightly worried expression. Though, at the moment, B seemed just content to look at him, it was fairly obvious… that wouldn't last.

"Paty attentino ta mah!" Liliac suddenly burst out, her arms failing about wildly over her head, causing her to bear a startling resemblance to a brightly-colored, flightless bird.

"I believe It wishes to have our attention," L deadpanned. He looked as though he would like nothing more than to avoid giving an ounce of his attention to the girl before him, but like the rest of the group, obligingly turned to face her.

"if bringed you hree!" she went on, her shrill tones making even Edward Cullen cringe slightly. "who u iz?"

"Why is It talking like that...?"

"I have no idea. Maybe it's a Mary Sue thing?"

"No… I've definitely seen some who can talk normally."

"Maybe just a Terrible Fanfiction thing, then."

"Yeah, that's gotta be it."

"HEYOOOO!" the Mary Sue suddenly screeched so shrilly that Sam was absolutely positive that every dog within a ten-mile radius had perked its ears and then dove for cover. "Mah haz akes U a Qestitan!"

Dean stared at her for a moment before answering. "I'm Dean, that's my brother Sam. Then we have L and the creepy guy is B." He smirked. "What? Did you think we were aliens?"

Lilac gave another shrill noise which the group would later conclude was intended to be laughter, then dissolved into repeatedly chanting, "Your funni!"

Dean stared. "I think I broke it."

"God-willing," Kate muttered, then seized Lilac roughly by the shoulders. "You fix this _now_, Lilac Cretan what-ever-your-name-is! You send them back home, and you send me back home WITHOUT the wolfing sparklepire! Do you understand me?"

"LEt goi of MAH!" Lilac screamed, and the candles floating in the hall flickered as if in a dangerous wind. "i od wat mah wnats! o make tthe storly im magic!lfd"

"Man, trying to understand what the wolf she is saying gives me a headache," Sam muttered, and L nodded in agreement.

"I don't care!" Kate shouted. "You're an idiot! A stupid child who doesn't understand that she is not the centre of the universe! You're a selfish, spoiled insolent brat—"

There was a loud bang and several people screamed. Kate was thrown back and hit the stone floor with a loud _smack_ and silence fell almost immediately. Dean ran over to her, swearing under his breath.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

She looked up at him and sat up, flinching. "Yeah," she muttered. "Just… hit my shoulder…"

"And your head… looks like your bleeding.."

"I'm fine!" she snapped as she got up. She shot a venomous glare toward Lilac but said nothing.

"Mah haz ta od dat 1ce a mounth ussaly," she said smiling brilliantly as if she had just gotten a manicure rather than throw a girl across the room.

"What the _hell _is wrong with you?"

Lilac merely flipped her outrageously long hair like something out of a L'Oreal commercial and smiled all the more broadly, though the expression was beginning to resemble Peter Lorre in a dangerous mood. And yes, the narrator finds it best to use similes rather than attempt to describe the true horror of the scene.

"u wonldnt sayt hat ig i were u," she said brightly.

The group stared at her for a moment - well, it was more like a glare on Kate's part - as they struggled to determine what exactly the girl before them had just said. Dean was the first to figure it out.

"Whoa, you're _threatening _us now?" he said, incredulous, but Lilac only continued grinning. "Listen, _kid_, you might be an all-power Mary Sue whatever-the-wolf thing, but... with great power comes gr-"

It was at this point that Lilac opened her mouth, and a spurt of flame burst forth. White flame. With pink sparkles. That somehow produced a noise like a cross between the roar of a dragon and the laughter of fairies. And yes, the narrator actually knows what both of those sound like. Its cousin has frequently been used for fantasy novels and... Okay, the narrator is shutting up now.

The occupants of the hall gaped at Lilac for a moment, wordless, while she smiled, apparently pleased with her work.

Sam was the first to recover the ability of speech. "Did she just go crazy and _breathe fire_?"

"Nooo swilly! Iz jus shown mah powers!" Lilac said with her voice soaring to thrilling heights as if she were attempting to be an opera singer.

"Well," Dean said slowly. "I'm convinced. She's nuts."

"Yeah…" Sam agreed. "Can we go now?"

"Please?"

"NOA!W!"

L sighed heavily. "And the W strikes again. I never thought it'd be possible to actually say it…"

"Alright, Mary Sue. Why can't we go?"

"Baceus-" she began, but broke off at the sound of laughter. Apparently L's comment had driven the already highly stressed Harry Potter into a mad fit of laughing, and he was now quite red in the face. Lilac seemed to forget that she had been in the middle of a sentence, much like a child distracted by something shiny. She practically hurtled herself at the Boy Who Lived - as they went crashing to the floor, Harry was looking very much as if he sincerely wished he were the Boy Who Had Kicked The Bucket A While Ago.

Kate stared at the scene with a mixture of hate and disgust, for Lilac had started planting kisses against the poor boy's cheeks. Sam looked as though he might puke, and turned hastily away as if the sight was that of a hanging – which in a way, could be considered the hanging of The Boy Who Lived.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," Dean said turning his ear toward her sarcastically.

Lilac looked up at him, and slowly stood up, leaving Harry lying on the floor looking entirely disheveled. She blinked her glistening blue eyes, apparently to try and adopt an innocent countenance, though she only succeeded in giving a creeper smile.

"Cus… U R Stain hear wiff mah…."

"Until?" Dean asked.

"Til mah iz down."

"Till you're... down?"

"DON!"

"...Don?" A brief pause. "Done?"

"yse!" Lilac barked, then seemed to catch herself and her tone became honey sweet again. "yes1."

"Done with what?"

"nm."

"Huh?"

"ur stupppiid," she informed him, returning her attention to Harry, who was still lying spread eagled on the floor, looking for all the world as if he would like nothing better than to jinx the girl who stood over him.

Dean turned back to the group. "What was she talking about?"

"I don't know," Sam muttered.

"What is 'nm'?"

"Ah... it sounded kinda like 'mmm' so maybe there was a... typo?"

"She _talking _- how is she making typos?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"She still didn't answer the question."

"Dean, I doubt she knows the answer. I mean..." He glanced at Lilac, who was currently ranting to herself about how 'sexah' Harry Potter was and how 'sutpid' Dean was.

"You've got a point."

Kate cleared her throat. "Look, guys I'm sorry about her. She has this _tendency _to... to do some pretty weird stuff..."

"You can say that again."

"I can try to get her to send you back home, but..."

L pressed his thumbnail to his lips thoughtfully. "I highly doubt that such an individual can control her ADHD for a sufficient length of time to do that." His gaze turned to B for a moment - B, who was currently grinning from ear to ear and edging closer to a very nervous-looking Edward Cullen. "Twilight... proof that shiny things truly are _distracting_."

Kate nodded sullenly. "Yes… I refused to read that book after SHE-" she whirled around to glare at Lilac, "told me he sparkles." She sighed heavily, and ran a distracted hand through her hair. "It still doesn't hurt to try…"

L raised an eyebrow. "She just flung you across the room."

"So?"

"I'd hate to see your definition of hurt."

"It was only a flesh wound."

"And she just breathed fire. Like dragon. A wolfing _dragon_," Dean put in.

"...You know, I suddenly see things in a different light. Maybe we should drop a few volumes of Shakespeare on her head. See if anything gets through via osmosis."

Lilac turned sharply toward them and seemed about to bite back a harsh reply, but stopped when B loudly commented that sparkles were the best thing in the entire world. And were also very attractive. And the just the _word _"sparkles" made him feel all tingly.

"SPARKLES!111!" the Mary Sue screeched. "lyke omfg! i fowlf love saprkels!1!"

Edward Cullen, up until that point, had managed to maintain his dignity and composure rather well, but at the sight of two rabid fans advancing on him with nearly identical creeper grins, he seemed to panic slightly. "I don't sparkle! Please, it's more of a _shimmer_, really, and it's quite embarrassing, so if you would just- please, don't come any closer! Why are you looking at me like that? Stop! I beg you, I'm only one-hundred-seven-years old! I go to high school! I have a girlfriend, her name is Bella-"

"BELLA!" B cried out. "Can I meet her? Does she really smell as good as you said in Midnight Sun?"

"Midnight Sun?" Edward Cullen continued backing away slowly, a look of confusion gracing his perfect face. Which was _perfect_. Mmm, even the narrator would like to run its fingers through his hair...

"Midnight Sun, only the greatest book never published!" B went on excitedly. "You're so romantic! Edward Cullen! Will you say something romantic to me? Like something you would say to Bella! Actually, I don't care what you say, as long as you say it in a velvet voice, and look at me with your amber eyes... which are beautiful... and amber..."

"Mah first!123!" Lilac burst out, all but shoving B out of the way as she made a headlong rush for the unfortunate vampire. "i bringdeded u hare!"

Edward Cullen made a graceful sidestep and the girl went careening past him, carried by momentum into a group of unfortunate first year students, the effects of which was somewhat equivalent to a thirty car pile up. The rest of the group cringed at the resulting crashes and yelps, while Lilac continued shouting something about 'da best buuk eva!'

"...Yeah," Dean said after a moment. "Now might not be the best time."

"I'm sorry," Kate repeated, a little more desperately. "I just don't know what to do. She's always doing crap like this, dragging people into her shitty 'stories'... It just might be a little while before I can get her to pay attention enough to send you home..."

"And in the meantime...?"

"You're more than welcome to stay here," said Harry, who was getting to his feet slowly. "I'm sure Dumbledore would understand... he might even be able to help us get rid of..." he glanced toward Lilac, "that."

"Wow, I thought you didn't talk normally for a second," Sam said looking slightly surprised.

"I do…" Harry said slowly, he glanced quickly at her then back at them. "Don't let her lay her mojo on you! You'll be talking gibberish and you won't be able to stop!" He cringed slightly as though he were in serious need of brain bleach. A lot of brain bleach.

"Well, I guess we have no choice," said Sam, sighing heavily.

"We're gonna go to Hogwarts? Sam, we're like twenty-six. I don't think we can be considered students," Dean pointed out.

"Well, maybe you can teach a class…" Harry said doubtfully. "Know any Supernatural stuff?"

Dean seemed to choke on laughter for a moment. Sam glanced at him and pulled a patented _Sam Winchester Bitch Face_.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, not to get your hopes up, but it looks like... Lilac just accidentally shoved our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher into the Bloody Baron, and-"

And on that note, the sound of horrible, bloodcurdling shrieks pierced the air. The narrator will leave it at that.

"Er..." Harry fidgeted with his glasses slightly, cringing. "C'mon, we'd best go talk to Dumbledore before this gets much worse."

"Mind if I come along?" Kate asked hesitantly. "I might go crazy if I'm left alone. Here. In a magical school."

Harry nodded. "I totally concur. Let's hurry then?"

And they ran. Very fast.

"Er... cockroach cluster?" Pause. "No... Lemon drop?" Nothing. "Chocolate frogs! Canary creams! Fudge flies!"

"Looks like the Sue might've had more of an effect on the poor guy than we thought," Sam muttered, at which Harry turned to look at him.

"I'm trying out passwords. Dumbledore changes it every year, so..."

"...That's a gargoyle."

"I know! If you say the right password, then the gargoyle moves, and there's a staircase that takes you to the headmaster's office. Ice mice! Jelly slugs!"

"Do you have a fever? Feel lightheaded at all?" Sam asked, trying to touch his hand to the fifteen-year-old's forehead.

"No!" Harry exclaimed, rolling his eyes. "Sugar quill! Berti Bots every flavor beans!" Nothing. "Just open! Fizzing wizzbees!"

And before them, the gargoyle suddenly blinked and moved aside, revealing a spiraling staircase concealed behind it. Sam and Dean both stood aghast for a moment, before following Harry and Kate onto the staircase.

The trip up was quiet. Surprisingly. Sam dearly wished to ask how in the world could a stone object suddenly become animated at the command of a word, though he supposed that in the world of Harry Potter such things were common place – and they are – and so he should just get used to it. And he would. Get very used to it.

The narrator doesn't hesitate to share that they were going to be stuck there for a while… and Sam (and Dean was slowly catching on) was realizing that fact.

Harry paused before a highly polished oak door and knocked, waiting for a polite voice to call back, "Come in," before pushing it open and stepping inside.

While Dean either didn't seem to notice or care about the sheer the grandeur of the office they found themselves faced with, Sam hung back for a moment in awe. Dumbledore's office was a large and beautiful circular room with high, slanting windows along the eastern wall, facing the mountains surrounding the castle. The remaining walls were covered in pictures of what Sam assumed were old wizards and witches.

Moving pictures.

_This _caught Dean's attention. He took a step back and stared at the photographs - or whatever they were - for a moment, before turning back to Sam and mouthing, "_What the hell?_"

"Ah, Harry," said a voice. "I was wondering when I would be seeing you this year, as you hardly seem capable of going very long without finding your way into my office."

Dumbledore stepped out from behind a bookcase he had been perusing. Now, most of the school's normal inhabitants had been just a little... off. What with the long dark robes. But if it hadn't been for the Harry Potter franchise itself, they would not have been recognized as wizards in the "real world." Professor Dumbledore would have been immediately pegged as a full-on wizard in any world he found himself in, or, in fact, any subsequent millennium. Flowing white beard. Floor length purple robes. And a pointed hat which looked like something you might find in the nearest Halloween store, but was a bit too rich to be mistaken for a mere prop.

This time, Dean wasn't quite so good at keeping his surprise on the down-low. "Oh, you have _got _to be kidding me..."

"Professor," Harry began, shooting a warning look in Dean's direction, "there's something sort of... going on... in the school and... well..." He seemed to struggle for words.

Professor Dumbledore looked up, first at Harry then at the other occupants, namely Kate who was ogling his painting of Headmaster Dippet, which was making rude expressions. He paused for a moment.

"Am I right in thinking that your companions aren't… part of our community?" he asked softly.

"You could say that," Dean said chuckling. "You got yourself a Mary Sue, and she just crashed two worlds together… Oh, and there's the Twilight fandom here, too."

Silence greeted these words, during which time Dumbledore sat down at his desk and sighed very heavily.

"Sir?" Harry asked nervously.

"You had best sit down, Harry. We're going to have a lot to discuss."


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

**:::**

"I had almost hoped that Hogwarts would be exempt from this," Dumbledore said after a long moment. "Previous Headmasters, as well as myself, have taken precautions against... ah... Mary Sues, as you put it." He tilted his head slightly in Dean's direction. "There are numerous protective enchantments on the school - I daresay, too many at times. Yet it seems that someone has found a way around them."

"Dude," Dean began incredulously, then seemed to catch himself. "Umm... sir... Professor... With all due respect..."

Dumbledore waited patiently while Sam struggled to hold back laughter at the unadulterated "Oh crap" look on his brother's face.

"It's just that Mary Sues aren't exactly known for abiding by any sort of rules... they just sort of do what they want, and it doesn't look like any kinda spell can hold them back. I mean, in _My Immortal_, Good Charlotte was apparently able to find Hogsmead... and, well..."

"Yeah, that shouldn't have happened. Among other things," Sam put in. He winced for a moment, remembering just how terrible _that _particularfanfiction had been.

"What's Good Charlotte?" Harry wondered aloud, glancing between them.

"A... band."

"A Muggle band," Kate put in helpfully.

"Yes, indeed," Dumbledore said his eyes darkening slightly as if he too were remembering the horrible creature known as Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. "Out of the 453,684 – and counting mind you – fanfiction's that our particular fandom has inspired you would very well shudder at the sheer amount of horror that has befallen our beloved school."

Harry Potter turned a sickly green color and muttered something about 'crossovers' but all else was incoherent. The narrator is personally very relieved at that.

"Yeah, well," Dean said sighing heavily. "What do we do with this one?"

"Yeah," Kate chimed in. "How do we fix this mess?"

"Fix?" Dumbledore repeated, looked at her over the rim of his glasses.

"Yeah. Er... yes, sir."

"I regret to say that you fail to recognize the severity of the situation, Miss...?"

"Devon. Kate Devon."

"Miss Devon, there is no simple solution to this sort of problem."

"Sorry, sir?" Harry sat forward. "There's... not a solution?"

"Not one that I've found, no, Harry," Dumbledore said pleasantly. "We have very little say in the matter. Either the... ah... crisis, if I may be so bold... will eventually go away on its own, or an outside force will remove it. I'm sure you remember the sudden, troubling disappearance Miss Way."

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure she tried to kill Voldemort or something, and vanished into thin air... then things went back to normal. But, sir, how did that-"

"It's a mystery of the most perplexing sort, I'm afraid," Dumbledore said pleasantly. "I can only speculate that her author grew tired of the story and moved on to more intellectual pursuits."

Dean made a noise that was halfway between a scoff and a laugh. "So it... went away on its own?"

"They all do, in time. Much like a bout of the flu."

"And everything will just go back to normal when it's over?"

"That seems to be the trend."

"How long does it take?"

"Anywhere from days to years, with _The Girl Who Lived_ currently holding the record for most enduring."

"_Years?_" Dean choked out. "We don't have years! We can't stay here-" He turned sharply toward Sam. "What did L suggest earlier? That we salt and burn it? That could work, right?"

"As she is not a ghost or apparition of any sort, I doubt that," Dumbledore said gravely. "However," and suddenly the twinkling had returned to his gaze. "I have heard that if a Mary Sue is defeated within her own story, the shock and horror will have her spontaneously combust. Or turn to a pillar of salt, depending on the Sue mind you."

"Salt and burn it is."

Harry was silent for a moment, seeming to struggle with words. "How would we... _defeat _a Mary Sue? I mean, I remember that Snape-"

"Professor Snape, Harry."

"_Professor _Snape_... _tried to kill Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way about three times..."

"I doubt that he was sincerely trying to kill one of your classmates."

"He slipped monkshood into her daily glass of 'bluud'! Look, it doesn't matter, the point is that she drank it, and _didn't_ die. There's no way to defeat them, they're _invincible_."

Dumbledore nodded. "There is no universal solution, I'm afraid. It varies greatly depending upon the Sue. The only method that has thus far been discovered - and it's still in the experimental stages - is to trap the Sue within its own rules."

"Huh?" Dean asked, looking as if Dumbledore had begun speaking Arabic.

"For example, Miss Way established that she was a vampire, despite the Ministry regulations against vampires attending Hogwarts."

"Yeah, but c'mon, we just said that they don't listen to those rules."

"My point, if you would allow me to make it, was that later on, Miss Way claimed to have 'slit her wrists and waited for the bleeding to subside', which is quite an impossible feat for a vampire. The theory is that if someone had pointed out to her, at that _precise _moment in time, that she could not possibly be bleeding, the shock of having fallen into one of her own plot holes would lead to the aforementioned combustion."

"Wait, Professor - you're telling me that we could have ended that load of rubbish _before _the forty-fourth chapter... if we'd just pointed out a few _flaws in her reasoning_?"

"It's a very recent idea, Harry, but yes."

"Great," Harry muttered. "I'll just go... antagonize a hungry troll, or taunt a blast-ended skrewt now..."

"Wait a sec," Dean interrupted. "And what if that doesn't work? What if she just breaks the laws of physics and doesn't care? Or finds an unrealistic loophole to explain it so that, in her world, her logic is sound?"

Sam muttered in agreement, his eyes darkening. There was no telling what the Mary Sue could do.

"There are a number of risks involved... but from studying the termination of one Mary Sue, whose name I cannot disclose, it seems that if they have not previously established a loophole, then they cannot create one after the fact. It may take some time and several attempts, but eventually, she will make an unquestionable mistake, or otherwise let her guard down."

"What do you mean, 'some time'...?"

"I suggest you make yourselves comfortable."

"Just bloody brilliant."

* * *

Edward Cullen had never met anyone quite like B. Of course, that is to be expected… B was just that kind of person. One of a kind. He stood hunched over in a slightly predatory posture, thorns of black hair falling into wide bright crimson eyes that could be as innocent as a child or hold the haunting inhuman appearance of the serial killer that – in actuality – he was. At the moment he was staring at Edward Cullen, with such intensity that it was suddenly possible to bend items with just your mind. He was also grinning widely with one of those creepy stalker smiles that sent you running for your life.

"Do you ever blink?" Edward Cullen asked suddenly.

B made some sort of unintelligible shriek that sounded ecstatic with joy.

Edward listened for a moment and furrowed his brow in confusion, as he – no doubt – read the thoughts forming in the young killer's mind. The narrator assumes they were something along the lines of, "Holy wolf! Edward Cullen just spoke to me! His voice is so musical. I wonder what he does to his hair. He is so HAWT! He's looking at me. Squeeeee….." and other such gibberish. But Edward Cullen does have nice hair. And eyes like Amber. Which are very pretty. Apparently.

"Yuz shood bwink! Tooo mucho intesuity on mah Edwar!"

"It's Edward."

iz wat mah siad!"

"It's _Edward Cullen_," B repeated, enunciating each symbol with some sort of silvery reverence. He turned his gaze to Lilac for a moment, as if _daring _her to butcher his idol's name again.

She didn't take the hint. "Wat I said!"

"No, you didn't. You said-"

"Look... ah, B, it's not a big deal, really-"

This was apparently the wrong thing to say. B made another of those odd noises he was becoming so proficient at and began leaping up and down again. "Edward Cullen! Just! Said! MY NAME!

Edward Cullen cringed. He was a hundred-seven-year-old vampire. Super strong, super fast. Super sparkly. Super pretty. And he found himself terrified of the two mortals he found himself entertaining at the moment. One of whom could apparently breathe fire. The other just stared a little too much for _anyone_to be comfortable with.

"Look," he said finally, loosing a bit of his carefully cultivated patience, "I don't know who you two are. I don't know how I got here, and I don't know what you've done to my girlfriend. But I'm... willing to negotiate. If you let me out of this room, and promise not to hurt Bella, I'll... sign your copy of Twilight... give you a strand of my hair... er... whatever other mildly disturbing request you have."

"o mah kgawd!"

"That's the most masochistic, self-sacrificing thing I've ever heard," B announced. His stare was still unwavering. "I _like_ that." He paused for a moment before looking at Lilac abruptly. "Edward Cullen is probably very hungry."

"I'm fine, actu-"

"Lilac, you're the most sickeningly sweet person ever to grace the planet, aren't you?" Lilac didn't seem to catch the insult, and just smiled broadly, apparently under the impression that her 'influence' had reached B as well. He continued, "You know what? I bet your blood tastes just as sweet as you look, isn't that right, darling?"

Lilac beamed. "of coars iy deos!"

"Wouldn't it be the nicest thing ever if you could give poor, sweet, beautiful... sexy... Edward Cullen your _blood_, Lilac? _All _of your blood?" B smiled, pulling a knife from his pocket and turning it over in his hands. "That would be the best thing you could do. It would make Edward Cullen happy. _You _could make Edward Cullen _happy_... and when Edward Cullen is happy, he gives that little crooked smile that just makes me want to cover him in strawberry jam and lick it all off... Mmm..."

Lilac had, up until that point, seemed half-convinced. But at the last phrase, she abruptly jerked away, staring at B, her sparkling blue eyes wide with what one could only assume to be horror.

"...Hypothetically speaking, that is."

Edward Cullen's eyes - which, for the sake of variety, the narrator will describe as 'chagrined' - darted back and forth between his captors. "You're going to kill me, aren't you?" he asked at length, then seemed to amend himself. "No, because you know what I think? I think I died long ago, and my fans are my eternal punishment."

"O! Ur Noot Ded!" Lilac said giggling and she practically ballet danced over to were Edward Cullen was standing, immobile and petrified. She took one of her porcelain coloured hands and ran it slowly along Edward Cullen's long, broad, muscular... _chest_. His chest people. Seriously, the narrator knows exactly what you all were thinking as it wrote that sentence.

"Um..." Edward Cullen paled if that were even possible. "That's worse."

There were some things in life that one took for granted. That the sky would be blue, the sun would rise, and that touching Edward Cullen in B's presence would trigger an unstoppable rage, the likes of which the world had never witnessed before.

* * *

"Get in here."

"Why, what did I do?"

"You know what you did. Why did you attack Lilac?"

"C'mon, Sammy, why would I NOT attack her? I mean, I'm crazy, you know that, right? I've been insane for most of my life, and I've been annoying you for two years. How can you even be surprised right now...?"

"Do you think that maybe in the future you could work to control your outbursts? Especially around her! She's a friggin' Mary Sue! She breathes fire! You realize that she could, you know, attack BACK one day?"

"Meh."

"Do you feel at all bad about what you did, bearing in mind that she was crying when they took her to the hospital wing?"

"How about... no."

"Well... then I hope that she wasn't horribly traumatized... for your sake." He sighed heavily and turned around, running a distracted hand through this hair. "Dean is getting a tour of the Defense Against The Dark Arts room," he said nonchalantly.

B of course couldn't care less. "Did you see Edward Cullen? See his hair...his eyes... his beautiful sexy-"

"Yes, B. I did. Shut up."

"I mean... I knew that he was going to be gorgeous. You could see that just by reading the book. But..." a dreamy sigh, "he's just so much more perfect in real life... you know?"

Sam stared at him for a few seconds before promptly turning around and leaving the room.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

**:::**

**A/m: oo ahi all u peepols! XDDD Iz So noice to see you all aginze.. xcept YOU Flamas! I hoes yos all wike ur reaedings. Dis Day is goona B fantrasic1!W!**

**Lilac iz outa! Enjoya de day!**

"What the hell was _that_?" Dean asked, glancing around as if half-expecting a bomb to explode.

It was breakfast in the Great Hall. Some of the professors had expanded the room and added three more tables for the students of Kate's school, unable to do anything to send them home. Some had tried, but the Hogwarts Express had vanished into thin air and any messages that requested help were sent back to their writers with "_Mesagge Diod NOT Sent!"_ scribbled over it in large letters.

And possibly written in _crayon_.

"Sounded like an intercom message," L observed, poking a half-eaten piece of buttered toast with distaste.

"Hogwarts has an intercom system?" Dean asked, rolling his eyes. "Since when?"

A nod in the direction of a single girl skipping into the Great Hall answered that question. Thin, small, with sparkling blue orbs – eyes, the Narrator will clarify – and long flowing locks of blonde hair, Lilac was very much a Mary Sue. Wherever she stepped, white flowers sprung from the ground, and there was a constant, sickeningly sweet aroma that one caught at close proximity.

"Does anyone else think that's just flat out _chilling_?"

"I hate her," B announced, not looking up. He licked a bit of strawberry jam from the tip of his finger, unsmiling. "She keeps annoying _my_Edward Cullen. And, as much as I enjoy seeing Edward Cullen's sexy scowl… I'd much prefer the crooked smile… just the thought of it makes me tingly _all over_…"

Dean cringed "Dude, I'm begging you: not over breakfast."

"Sorrows, Dean."

"I just really _don't_believe you…" He sighed, cast a final look in Lilac's direction – she had apparently conjured a fairy out of thin air and was clutching the struggling creature – then got to his feet. "So. Anyone know were the Defense Against the… whatever, STDs or something… classroom is?"

"Defense Against the _Dark Arts_?" Sam suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that. Pretty much the same thing, right?"

"No. Not the same thing at all." He heaved an enormous sigh. "Just ask Dumbledore… he's over there."

"Um… why can't you tell me?"

"What's the matter, scared of a wizard?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "When you say that, I immediately think of some guy behind a curtain controlling a smoke machine…"

Sam snorted into this orange juice and several students looked up at him, curious. "Here – that Harry kid drew me a map of the school… but I think you need it more."

Dean took the parchment and gave a grateful smile. "Right. Later then."

Sam watched him go. "Dead man walking."

* * *

The Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom was, in fact, on the first floor. Personally, Dean was getting a little creeped out by the amount of unnecessarily high ceilings in Hogwarts. Sure, it was a castle and all, but this was getting a little ridiculous. He tilted his head backward to look up at the high-arching ceiling, which seemed to disappear into shadows. It probably wouldn't be so dark in here if the drapes weren't closed…

Speaking of which, why _were_they closed? Why were there drapes in the first place? The windows clearly weren't designed to curtains of any sort… Dean crossed the room and moved to brush one aside—

"May I help you?"

He turned sharply, and found himself face to face with… well, it could only be a vampire. An Ann Rice-reading, sallow-skinned, black-robed _vampire_.

A little cliché-looking, actually.

"Ah… no. Just looking…" He glanced around the room. This _was_a school, but even so, there had to be some sort of sharp object that could potentially be used for an impromptu decapitation. Hell, if Sam could use barbed-wire, this shouldn't be _too_ difficult…

"I was not aware until last night that I would be sharing this class with a… do forgive my rudeness… but a _Muggle_," the vampire said, the sneer audible in its voice.

Dean paused. That could be a ploy. After all, he wasn't aware that he was sharing the class with anyone _at all_. Then again, if the vampire had _wanted_ to attack him, it probably would have by now. And Dumbledore had said something, last night, about Ministry regulations… whatever those were…

Maybe the guy was just _really_pale. And fond of black. And not fond of sunlight. It could happen.

He decided to abandon the sharp object search for a moment. "Yeah, well, it's news to me, too." Extending a hand, "Dean Winchester."

"Severus Snape," he said, keeping his hands folded across his chest. He looked as if he thought Dean might be carrying some sort of incurable virus. "Tell me… _Professor_ Winchester…"

"You've got to be kidding…"

Snape didn't crack a smile. "What _training_ have you had in this particular subject?"

"I wouldn't call it _training_. More like a lifestyle."

Snape's horrible lake-black eyes narrowed, and Dean couldn't help but run a quick visual search around the room for a sharp object again… just in case the Professor Vampire was going to off him for lack of legitimate _training_.

"How many years?"

"If I said since I was four… would I still have to count back and figure out how many years that is?"

Snape did not reply, and after a moment of tense silence, turned on his heel and walked back to the desk. Over his shoulder he called, "If you have such experience, why don't you tell me what you would do if you thought there was werewolf on your tail?"

Dean laughed and Snape turned quickly to face him.

"Is that funny?"

"No. Well, yes. Happened to my brother, actually… Only problem was that he made out with the thing. Not while it was turned," he added quickly, cringing. "Had to shoot her with a silver bullet, right in the heart. Never seen him so sad." He paused for a moment – Snape didn't look as if he wanted to hear this.

"You _shot_ it."

"And you're just jealous _you_have to use a knife."

Snape didn't seem very jealous - then again, he didn't really seem to be _anything_other than pissed off at the world as a whole. "And what would you do if a killing curse were aimed at you?"

Long pause. Dean just stared at him, suddenly wishing he'd bought into the whole pop culture thing and read the damn books. "…Dodge."

"And if someone were about to hex you?"

"Use my charming wit and beautiful smile to get out of it." He flashed said beautiful smile, just for good measure.

Snape closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, as if warding off a migraine. "Very well. I see that the Headmaster isn't going to give us any other option in this respect. You may call yourself a teacher if you wish, but _I_ will expect you to sit quietly at the back of the room, and say nothing whatsoever… or I will take full advantage of your lack of knowledge about blocking hexes. Do I make myself _perfectly_ clear?"

"No beautiful smile?"

"Back. Of. _The room_."

"Got it." He paused as he passed Snape's desk. "You know, you really need more Vitamin D. All this darkness might be the source of your… you know… _anger_ problem."

Snape shot him a look that could have curdled milk.

* * *

"You know that impression you do of a normal person some times? Do that now."

B just stared at him. "I'm not mad at you."

"And… you really _don't_ have a reason to be…"

"We passed by Edward Cullen on the way here."

"Yeah, I remember," Sam muttered darkly. "You screamed and tried to tackle him."

"_And_these robes are itchy."

"Best I could do on short notice. Just be glad you got Gryffindor colors. It could be worse."

B tugged at his sleeves, apparently trying to fathom _how_it could be worse. "I don't look good in red."

"And you could have ended up in yellow. I don't think masquerading as a Hufflepuff would be such a good idea, either."

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"

"I don't know, actually. I think they sit around all day and make things with glitter glue and safety scissors." He sighed. "Okay. This is your first class. Just try to be part of the scenery. It's like in prison. Don't make eye contact, and no one will mess with you. Okay?"

B remained silent.

"_Okay?_"

"I hate this game," B announced, turning on his heel. He stalked off into the Charms classroom, and Sam was completely convinced that this would _not_ turn out okay.

He took a deep breath. Didn't matter. Maybe B would benefit from a few Edward Cullen-less hours, anyway.

The Narrator finds extreme pleasure in making his life worse however and so, at the precise moment, Sam heard a ear splitting squeal of "Edward Cullen," said in such a tone that would make even Adam Lambert cringe.

"You're in my class. Edward Cullen is in MY CLASS!"

Sam ran full pelt down the hall chanting, "It's not my problem," over and over again. But he was also skipping _his_ class. So that was _his_ problem. Cursing the heavens he turned around and went back to the classroom. As if the door handle was burning hot he pushed the door open.

B was seated next to Edward Cullen, positively beaming. Lilac was on his other side, glaring daggers at the red-eyed boy.

This was going to be an _amazing_ class period.

"Are you Sam Winchester?" Asked a tiny little man from atop a stack of thick books.

Sam nodded and took a seat on B's other side, running a hand through his hair and wondering what he had done to deserve this injustice.

The Narrator would like to tell him that he slept with a werewolf and a demon, indirectly sent his brother to Hell, and released the devil into his fandom.

"I hate you."

The Narrator loves him, too.

Professor Flitwick cleared his throat. "I hope you all enjoyed your summer holida—"

"jou id bouring!" Liliac announced loudly, making Professor Flitwick jump and give a small squeak. "noe wri tie obring kracters!"

"…What?"

The entire class was staring at them now, a little horrified. Sam focused on his desk, trying to pretend that he wasn't there. He wasn't sure how the population of Hogwarts was taking to the turmoil Lilac had caused, but he was willing to bet that there were some _very_ negative attitudes flying around.

He wasn't wrong. "What… is _that_?"

Draco Malfoy was sitting forward in his seat, staring at Lilac as if she were some sort of creature from a dimension which simply did not compute with Earth.

"Draco," Professor Flitwick began reproachingly, but Lilac ignored him.

"Ou iz hawt," she announced, and beamed, flashing a smile so blinding that a few students cringed away in pain.

Malfoy traded looks with a dark-haired girl next to him, and snickered. "Would you look at that, Pansy? I think it's _talking_to me."

It seemed that this was the wrong thing to do. Lilac's need for constant attention was climbing to all new heights. As she opened her mouth to respond, Sam dropped his head onto his desk, prepared for the inevitable disaster.

"ouy souldn't habe a gf!" Lilac half-screamed, causing Professor Flitwick to topple off his stack of books with a little yelp of surprise. "you a se x kytten!"

"I'm a _what_?"

From the corner of his eye, Sam caught the motion of Lilac raising her hand, fingers poised to snap.

Oh, this was going to be really_bad_…

There was a deafening _bang_ and a few people screamed, diving underneath their desks. The girl, Pansy, was surrounded in a cloud of pink sparkly smoke, hiding her from the rest of the class. After a few moments it cleared and a silence fell upon the students as they gazed open mouthed at the person seated at the desk.

"What?" Pansy asked and then she or rather… _he_ screamed.

"Dude! That was totally wicked!" shouted some student from the back of the classroom as Pansy stood up and ran from the classroom, the long brown hair suddenly short and spiked. Lilac sat up straight and looked around innocently at everyone.

"Why did you do that?" Someone else shouted, glaring at the Mary Sue.

Lilac slowly turned over to him and flashed another smile with gleaming white teeth, looking as if she were about to stand up and kill him with a flower. "Beous! SHE waz wookin at mah sey kiten!"

Malfoy coughed. "I'm still trying to figure out what she's calling me… anyone catch it?"

Sex kitten," Sam muttered, not lifting his head. "You've got to read between the lines. She's calling you… _her sex kitten_."

"More like _ferret_," B put in cheerfully. Lilac shot him a dangerous look.

Professor Flitwick was recovering from behind the pile of now precariously stacked books, straightening his robes and looking a bit stunned. "Mr. Malfoy, perhaps you could see that Miss Parkinson finds her… _his_… way to the hospital wing…"

"NOE!112" Lilac shrieked. "Mah Darco staies HERe!"

Malfoy sat forward in his chair, glaring. He'd apparently recovered from the shock of seeing his girlfriend's gender swapped, and had progressed straight into some sort of cold rage. "You are not speaking _anything_ that any human could possibly understand!" he snarled. "Talk like a _normal _person!"

This seemed to have no effect - not that anyone had expected it to. Lilac just gave a sugary sweet giggle and tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder. Edward Cullen cringed as a few strands whipped across his face and covered his mouth as if suppressing a gag reflex.

"Ur _funni_."

"Funny?" Malfoy asked, raising his eyebrow.

Lilac nodded so vigorously that for a moment she looked like one of those bobble head dolls. "Yehas!" She squealed as though the fact that he understood was of vital importance.

"I repeat. Talk like a _normal_ person," he said turning away from her and back to the front of the classroom. This was apparently the wrong thing to do because, the next moment, Lilac had leapt out of her seat and careened to the front of his desk.

"Yoz R goin ta wook rist at MAH!" She screeched, jumping onto his desk.

Sam glanced over at B who was taking this opportunity to scoot closer to his _idol._Edward Cullen shot a terrified - but beautiful, very beautiful - look in his direction.

"Look," Malfoy ground out, "I would like to talk to you, really - but I cannot communicate with _anyone_ who is shouting at me like a wolftard."

"NO! Yuys actiin liikes a Fmalas!"

"Like what?"

"Flamers… Possibly…" Sam muttered dejectedly. He glanced his watch and groaned. It had stopped working.

"What the bloody hell is a flamer?" Malfoy shot back, still staring at the girl before him as if imagining her spontaneously combusting.

"It's someone who leaves bad reviews on a story."

"LIAR!" B screamed suddenly, causing Edward Cullen to recoil and nearly fall _gracefully_ out of his chair. "Bad reviewers are all fine… I mean, like constructive criticism… Flamers do… destructive cynicism…"

Sam paused for a moment, lifting his head just a fraction of a centimeter. "That's… actually vaguely clever."

"Thanks." B grinned briefly, then went back to staring at Edward Cullen. "Weird, because I actually already forgot what I said…"

"Class," Professor Flitwick tried half-heartedly. "This really is getting-"

"SUHT UP!" Lilac shrieked suddenly, whipping around. A few flowers flew out of her hair, hitting Malfoy in the face.

He shoved them away, one hand now moving to grab the wand he had in his pant pocket. But, before he could take it out and place a curse on her, Lilac turned to face him, her wide - larger than average - sapphire eyes questioning. And sparkling. But questioning too. The Narrator is getting a headache describing this mother wolfer's eyes.

"Shuit YO TRAP!" Lilac screamed gesturing a creamy pale arm at the heavens in futility. Yes. In futility. She cannot fight the power of the Narrator!

"I BANIDSH! YOU! FOR! 100 WORJDS!"

"What just happened?"

"Dude! She just banished the Narrator!"

"For… one hundred worjds… whatever those are…"

"Words, B. _Words_. Okay, no big deal… everyone just needs to be verbose, and we'll get the Narrator back."

"…"

"Dude, you have enough to say the other ninety-nine percent of the time!"

"MAh haz dios ta Says!"

"I don't think those even _count_ as words."

"Noes of yous iz gonnas qeastions mah agins, yeas?"

"What's it _saying_?"

"I have no earthly idea…"

"Regardless of what it said, can someone tell it to get off my desk?"

"MAh haz a naeme! YOUZ jserk!" She whipped her long platinum locks over her slender snow white shoulder as she turned towards him, flashing a sensual smile.

"What. The. Wolf. Is. That?"

"…N-Narrator?"

No, conversing with characters is amateur.

"So is purple prose," muttered B in his dark, smoky voice, narrowing his shining ruby red orbs as he spoke. The words were harsh, but it was clear that his intention was just as innocent as a young bird's.

"B? Innocent? And did we just switch to a harlequin Narrator?" Sam Winchester, that rugged individual with such angst and power tormenting his withering soul, spoke with a voice flowing like golden honey.

"…"

"Yes. Yes we did."

He was prevented from further comment when, at that precise moment - the moment to disregard all moments - Edward Cullen stood up. He flipped his bronze ruffled hair back from his perfectly sculpted face and smiled a crooked smile so beautiful that the sun became green with envy.

"Lilac," he whispered in a husky tone, a sigh wrapping around the word like lovers arms. "Come to me my Goddess. My Angel divine. My bewitching princess!"

"Someone. Cut my heart out with a spoon."

"A spoon?"

"Yes. With a spoon! It'll hurt less than this travesty."

Okay, other Narrator. Get the wolf out of here.

You can't get rid of me. I'm union. And besides, the only reason people ever read fanfiction is in the hopes of finding harlequin romance… you'll get more reviews with _me_.

People can just look else where to get their creepy little kicks. Now, I started this story, and I'm going to finish it. Get out before I narrate you into something red and lacy.

You wish.

Why would the Narrator waste a wish on that? Now… back to the _actual_plot…

Sam looked around. "There's a… plot?"

"MAH ploit!" Lilac screamed.

No. Not your plot.

"This class fails," B announced, getting to his feet and heading for the door. Halfway there, he paused and turned back. "Edward Cullen? Would you… possibly… want to come with me? Away from…" He shot a glance at the Mary Sue, who was still trying desperately to get Malfoy to look at her, "…_that_ thing. We could spend some time _alone_… getting to know each other… in the astronomy tower… where no one can hear us… and we can be as loud as we want while… _getting to know each other_…"

Edward stood stock still for a moment, his gaze flickering back and forth between Lilac and B, as if trying to decided between the lesser of the two evils. Eventually, he cleared his throat. "I'll… er… stay here. Wouldn't want to miss the first day of class, right?"

B seemed to pout for a moment, but quickly recovered. "Alright… we'll do _that_later, then. I wouldn't want to _rush_ anything…"

He turned and walked from the room, apparently oblivious to the fact that Lilac was shouting after him to "GET BAK IN HREE NAO!1w1"

There were a few moments of stillness – save for Lilac, of course – before Edward broached the question. "Where is Professor Flitwick?"

"I… do _not _know."

"I think he just disappeared from all the stress."

At that moment however, their professor made himself visible, climbing back onto his stack of books. His pointed hat sat skewed on his head and his glassed were just barely hanging onto the bridge of his nose.

"Can we start class now?" he asked in a feeble voice, casting a frightened look over at Lilac.

At this, Lilac just laughed, a horrible sickly sweet laugh that gave new meaning to the word 'evil'.

* * *

"Professor Snape… who's that at the back of the classroom?" Hermione asked lightly, a tint of red in her checks as she glanced around her professor. Several other girls giggled and looked over at him as well.

Dean couldn't resist. He winked. The giggles turned into squeals.

Though he couldn't see Snape's face, Dean was willing to bet that the professor wasn't wearing a very favorable expression, because the noise died out in quick ripples.

"That is a… ah… _student_… from America." He turned to shoot a venomous look at Dean before adding, "He needed a few _extra_years of schooling."

"_I_ heard a rumor that he was going to be our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor," Lavender Brown announced. She glanced at Dean again before dropping her gaze down to her desk with what was clearly intended to be a coy smile. It was half endearing, half creepy. Or maybe it was more like sixty-forty…

"You've heard _incorrectly_, Miss Brown. I will be—"

"Professor Snape's just messing with you," Dean said, getting to his feet and stepping forward. He was probably going to be hexed for his efforts, but it would be well worth it to see the look on Snape's face _now_. "Dumbledore has us both teaching your class this year. Looks like things were a little over-booked, huh, Snape?"

Snape now looked as if he had just swallowed a glass of unsweetened lemon juice. "It would appear so."

"What, no hospitable introduction?"

"…This is Dean Winchester."

Hermione's hand shot into the air. "Professor Winchester—"

"Call me _Dean_, please," he said, flashing another smile. A few girls gave weak little sighs.

She continued as if there had been no interruption. "Forgive me, it's just that - well - we've only had one professor per class in previous years. Why exactly are you _here_?"

There was a moment of silence, during which Dean chuckled lightly. "It seems that my knowledge of creatures was just too good to pass up."

At this, Snape looked livid, shooting him an expression of pure loathing before turning back to the class and speaking in a deadly voice. "Now that we've had that introduction…"

"When is he going to teach?"

"_What?_" Snape shot at Parvati Patil.

She gulped before going on nervously, "I mean… are you going to switch days or share class periods?"

Snape stared at her for a long hard moment, until she had squirmed in her seat for nearly a minute before turning away. "We will trade off days," he said shortly, shooting another murderous look in Dean's direction. Dean could only smirk back at him.

"Now, we return to the subject of cursed objects," Snape began, his tone making it perfectly clear that he was not going to be so tolerant of any other interruptions.

Dean was willing to bet that the guy had never seen a lucky rabbit's foot in his life, but didn't say anything. If he was going to have the class to himself tomorrow… he'd have a chance of his own. He glanced around. The girls didn't seem to be paying much attention to the subject of cursed objects, and neither did the boys, who were shooting 'Back off' looks in Dean's direction.

Oh yes. Tomorrow was going to be very fun _indeed_.


	6. Chapter Six

**Author's note: Just a quick thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed thus far. You're amazing... and you deserve much virtual chocolate for being patient with our unbearably slow updates. :-) Thank you!**

Chapter Six

**:::**

"Lilac… turned her into a boy?" Dean asked, staring at as brother in horror.

Sam just nodded. He didn't take his eyes from the fireplace, finding it easier to address the flames while relating this particular story. "That wasn't even the worst of it. She banished the narrator and summoned a harlequin one. Then the narrators got in a fight – it was confusing – and then B started flirting with Edward Cullen again…"

"I wasn't flirting. I was just… Okay, I was flirting a little. Like you wouldn't…"

"I _honestly_wouldn't. Anyway, last I heard, Pansy was still in the hospital… and still male." He sighed and glanced up briefly. "And how was _your_ first day at Hogwarts, Dean?"

"You should _see_this cute redhead in the front row. Seriously. Just drop by tomorrow, make up some sort of excuse, and take a look. You'll see what I'm talking about."

"Two words, dude: _jail bait_."

Dean chuckled lightly and leaned back into the confines of the red couch. "Suit yourself."

Sam rolled his eyes, still gazing at the fire. He'd gotten used to passing off his arguments with Dean to L, who was much better at that whole 'dizzying logic' thing.

"Wait a second."

"What?"

"What happened to L?"

"Who?"

Sam gave his best 'Oh–you–better–be–kidding–me' look.

"Oh! The guy who likes sweets and laptops."

"Yes. Him. He sorta just disappeared."

"He _does_ tend to wander off sometimes," Dean muttered.

"I haven't seen him since we went to talk to Dumbledore… B, have you?"

B was struggling to get the lid off of his newest jam jar, and didn't look up. "In case you haven't noticed, I've been a little distracted with Edward Cullen lately…"

"We noticed, B. _Everyone_noticed."

"So, no, I haven't seen L."

"That can't be a good sign. I mean, we haven't seen him in what, a day? And with the Mary Sue running around…"

"You don't think that she… _did_anything, do you?"

Sam paled slightly. "We'd better go look for him."

"Dude – it's almost midnight!"

"So? Are your horses going to turn back into mice or something?"

"My… what?"

"Never mind. Just c'mon."

And with that, Sam exited through the portal of Gryffindor Tower. Predictably, B was the first to follow him, a slightly spring in his step as though he had just experienced the best day of his life. Dean rolled his eyes and followed grudgingly, which Sam was grateful for Granny knows if he didn't go with them, they'd probably come back in 46 pieces. In a matchbox. Held by the Mary Sue. While she sang.

Sam shuddered violently and shot a backward glance at the portrait of the Fat Lady.

* * *

The castle grew darker as they climbed down the staircases – some of which began moving at rather inopportune moments – and started down the first floor hallway. There was deep silence hanging of the castle, punctuated only occasionally by one of the portraits telling them to go back to bed.

Yeah, this was a little bit terrifying.

For his part, Sam was trying to remember the details of the books without much success. There was some sort of curfew in Hogwarts, but he couldn't remember exactly what it from it. _Muggles_, but adults nonetheless.

"We should go back upstairs," B announced in a whisper. "I really want to find Fluffy."

"Fluffy's not here anymore, B. That was first year only. Harry's at least, what, sixteen now?"

"Well, where did Fluffy _go_?"

"I don't know. The Forest, I think."

B turned sharply, his eyes glinting slightly in the dim lighting. "Can we go to the Forest?"

"Absolutely _not_. C'mon, try to focus. We're finding your… role model… whatever L _is_ to you, exactly…"

"It's complicated." Clearly loosing interest in that line of conversation, B increased his pace, walking off ahead of them into the gloom of the hallway. Barely a few seconds, there was a predictable _thud_ – the sound of something heavy striking the floor. Sam and Dean traded looks and continued forward unhurriedly. Eventually the beams of light from the dimmed lantern that Dean held came to rest on B, who was kneeling on the floor where he had apparently tripped.

"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up," Sam muttered sarcastically, earning a chuckle from his brother. He held out a hand to B. "C'mon, dude, get up. You realize that people are trying to sleep? And you crashing around probably isn't helping…"

B didn't respond, just continued staring at something on the floor in front of him. The shape was indistinct in the darkness and immobile. Generally uninteresting. However, since B seemed completely absorbed by it, Sam decided to ask the inevitable question. "What've you got there?"

Silence, then B managed, "I think its Harry Potter."

"What?"

"More accurately, I think it's his _head_."

"Get… _off_ me!"

B jumped backward, falling onto his back with a small noise of surprise. From the floor, Harry Potter was slowly getting to his feet, the rest of his body coming into visibility as a silver cloak slipped from his shoulders and onto the floor. He readjusted his glasses, took a few deep breaths, massaging his ribs, then turned to look around. "What are you three doing here?"

"Looking for L," Dean said. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Harry paused, as if uncertain whether to answer that. Finally, he raised a yellowed piece of parchment in his hand. "Looking for Lilac." Something in his tone seemed to hint that this wasn't _entirely_ true. "The map – its enchanted, long story – said she was in the hospital wing. I mean, I can't give up hope, right?" He glanced back down at the map, and paused, his brow furrowing. "And now it says she's in the astronomy tower! How can she be apparating in Hogwarts…?"

"Well, she _is_ a Mary Sue."

"Unfortunately." He turned to look over his shoulder at B. "You know, not to be rude or anything, but you might want to make less noise when you're wandering around. I thought you were Peeves…" He held up his wand for emphasis. "I was getting ready to jinx you."

Surprising, B breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank goodness. It was only a _wand_…"

"So," Dean interrupted, "have _you_ seen L anywhere?"

"Not really. He sort of disappeared. Did the author forget about him?"

"Clearly not. If she had, we probably wouldn't be looking for the guy right now…More like the Narrator spaced out." He gestured. "Can you check your magic map or something?"

"Oh. Er… yeah. Sure." Harry began scanning the map. "Pretty convenient that we just happened to run into each other, huh?"

"Sometimes the Narrator is merciful."

"So, what happens if you get caught out here?" B asked cheerfully.

Harry shot him a look that started out as a glare, but morphed into confusion a few seconds later, as if he couldn't quite figure out whether B was just that dumb, or if he was being deliberately annoying.

Sam decided to eliminate some of the struggle. "He's just _that_ dumb."

Turning back to look at the map, Harry gave a small breath of laughter. "Figures…" He turned back to the map. "Is your friend's name really L?"

"I think so…"

"The map isn't showing anyone with just 'L' as a name."

Sam stared at him. "That's not his name?" He looked at Dean. "Did he ever mention that to you?"

Dean shrugged. "He introduced himself as L, I called him L. End of story."

"Well, I can't find him if I don't know his name," Harry said. "You said that you knew him, what two years? You would think you would know his name…"

"Yeah. You would think," Sam muttered. He glanced at B. "You're uncharacteristically quiet. Not that I mind, but…"

Indeed, for B had not said a word since the start of the name discussion. Seriously. The Narrator knows you all just looked up to check. In any case, he had remained silent, thinking – and yes, on rare occasion he is capable of doing just that. Now, however, at Sam's words he looked up and uttered a single word.

"Lawliet."

"What?"

"That's his name."

Pause.

"You're telling me that L's name is _Lawliet?_" Dean asked incredulously.

"Yes."

"He's never hearing the end of it."

B's voice took on a very pronounced whine. "Don't tell him I told you… he doesn't even know I know…"

"Right. Your secret's safe with us." Dean paused for a moment. "Wait – how _do_you know his name, then?"

"I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

"…Okay."

Harry held up the map for inspection. "Then it looks like your friend is in the kitchen."

Sam choked back a laugh. "Of course. That guy has the metabolism of a chipmunk on steroids."

But they had barely turned the corner towards the stairs when there was a shrill scream from down the hallway. "CAN'ET FNID MAH EDWARDO!112"

Harry's face went as white as a chalk pillar. "Oh no."

Fortunately, Dean Winchester was the sort of person who was never caught wholly off guard. Even as Lilac's ear–splitting shriek was heard from down the hallway, Dean was tugging open the door of a classroom and slipping inside. After a moment's pause, the other three followed. Harry hesitated slightly longer than the others. He had some experience with hiding in strange rooms in the middle of the night, and as anyone who could read knew, it wasn't positive. But at this point, he looked fairly certain that he'd rather walk in on Fluffy in a bad mood than deal with Lilac Rosetta Cretan whatever–the–hell–her–name–was.

The classroom was dark and unusually ornate – probably the Ancient Runes room – but there were no three–headed dogs lurking in the shadows. This, at least, was a small blessing.

Lilac's voice grew louder in the hallway. "WERE U IZ ?..?" she demanded of thin air. "MAH EDAWRD!"

B seemed to be developing a very large nervous twitch. Either that or he was having a very small seizure.

There was a loud _pop!_ and a thump from the hallway.

"DERE U R!"

Edward Cullen's _perfect velvet_ voice, "Oh no. How did I get here?"

"i iz magik. & I hav 2 tll u…"

"You… what?"

"I luv yuo!"

At this point, B made a lunge for the door, halfway through a scream of _"Let me kill it!" _before Sam intercepted the attack and Harry performed a quick silencing charm.

There was a moment's pause in the hallway. "Did uoy here dat?1"

Edward Cullen coughed. "No. It must just… be your imagination."

"BUTT I NOWS I hared soemthinn!" she insisted shrilly.

"Look, it was probably any number of things. The wind. The scream of thousands of loyal Stephenie Meyer Fans that finally breeched the fourth wall…" He trailed off.

There was a moment's silence before the Mary Sue burst into glass–shattering laughter that seemed to resound throughout the entire castle.

"Yur funni! I 3 you."

At this point, Dean was forced to join in on the effort to restrain B, who was slowly proving to be much stronger than he looked, especially when motivated by the desire to save the object of his affection.

"You what?" asked the aforementioned object of B's affection.

"C'mmone Yourre a cmon wiht mah!"

"What? No… Really I'm fine. No. Don't touch me. Please… I'm perfectly content here. Alone. No. What are you doing? No! NO!"

The group cringed as Edward Cullen's yells from out in the hallway slowly faded away, as if Lilac was dragging him to her lair. Evil Lair. To have him fertilize her eggs and then chop of his head and eat him… just like a preying mantis.

"Is she gone?" Sam breathed after nearly a minute of silence.

Harry glanced down at his map and sighed with relief. "Yeah. She's back in the Gryffindor Common Room."

"She's a Gryffindor?"

"I have no idea… she goes to _all_ of the houses."

"Right," Dean said, pushing the door open. "Let's go save L before the narrator gets bored of this plot arc."

The other three nodded and filed out after him, B still struggling to form audible words from the back of the procession.

Sam really liked him better that way.

* * *

They found L in the kitchens, surrounded by adoring house elves and piles of sweets. He looked up in surprise at they walked in, ignoring B's silently cheerful wave of greeting in favor of shooting Dean an accusatory glance. "I assume you're going to make me share with you?"

Dean sighed. "No. Although, for the record, this kind of looks like slavery."

"Yeah, don't let Hermione see you," Harry muttered.

"They insisted," L replied absently. "I got lost and found myself here. The elves seemed to be under the impression that I was malnourished, and, well, who was I to correct them?"

"You _are_ malnourished. A person can't live on a diet of sugar alone and expect to be healthy."

"It isn't just sugar." He held up a plate of chocolate cake. "Do you have any idea what goes into cake? Flour, eggs, milk… all of that is nutritious."

"Right. Look, fatass, just leave the cake alone. We're here to rescue you." Dean stopped abruptly, as if realizing the absurdity – and cliché – of that sentence. "Oh Granny. I can't believe I just said that. I should go to Hell for that. Again."

"And what are you rescuing me _from_, exactly?"

"The Narrator almost forgot about you."

"It did?"

"Yes. So you should probably grab that plate and come with us. Like, now."

L pause then smiled. "If _this_ is what happens when the Narrator forgets about me, I sincerely hope it does so more often. The food here is to die for."

"L, your family and your country are to die for. _Food_ is to eat."

"Considering I have neither, I'll take the food."

Dean rolled his eyes and turned to Sam. "_You_ talk to him."

Of course, this meant it was time for another legendary Sam Winchester Bitch Face. "Look, the Narrator is _not_ merciful at heart. There is maybe a one–in–a–million chance that it sends you somewhere good when it forgets you. Do you know who Hobo Jo is?"

"No…"

"Exactly. The Narrator forgot about him."

"Dare I ask where he is?"

"Under the bridge."

L paled considerably – which, considering his normal complexion, was quite an accomplishment. "The Bridge for Forgotten Characters?"

"Yep."

"Very well. Let's go." He looked back longingly at his cake.

"You can take it with you, sir!" said a squat elf with a grin. "And we can send you a package of sweets every five hours!"

"Make it two and you got yourself a deal."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Alright, now that we've secured you a future place in a Hogwarts speed eating contest, can we go now?" He walked toward the door.

"Wait!" Harry shouted, looking down at his map.

"What?"

"It's here!"

"What is?"

But a second later, Dean knew quite clearly what.

"COMESONE! Edwrs! I haz ta shows you de Kitchson!"

It was too late to hide or make a run for it. The only human–sized exit was also the only human–sized entrance, and Lilac was bearing down on them. The house elves continued milling about, oblivious to the peril that was upon them, while Harry drew his wand, clenching it so tightly that his knuckles were white. He seemed to sense that it was a futile gesture.

"This is like the Mines of Moria," Sam muttered darkly, earning a confused look from Dean.

"Like the _what_…?"

"The… don't you read at _all_?"

"No."

"There was even a movie!"

"Wow. You're a freak."

Lilac pirouetted into the room, dragging a very reluctant–-looking Edward Cullen along with her. She flipped her blonde hair dramatically and gazed about the room with her sparkling eyes. "Heeeyyyooo! waht iz uu doin g herE?"

Everyone cringed, but the house elves still seemed unaffected. Perhaps they were used to Mary Sues. The nearest one hurried over to her, holding up a tray of Treacle Tarts. "Would you like something to eat, Miss?"

Lilac screamed shrilly, drop-kicked the unsuspecting creature halfway across the room, and ran to Edward for protection. "Iz ugli!11w"

"That's not very nice," Harry muttered, glancing back at the poor creature. It had given a little squeak, and was getting to its feet, looking disgruntled.

"I'm sorry if I scared you, Miss," it huffed, bowing low to the ground and backing away slowly, as if worried that she might attack again.

Lilac scrutinized him from through a gap in Edward Cullen's _gleaming, ivory incandescent_ arm. Which was _muscular_, and _perfect_ and just wolfing _godlike_.

"Bwinngs mah soomes CHOKOOLATE!" She commanded stepping out of her hiding place. The little elf bowed again and scurried off. Lilac now whipped around to glare at B. "NAO! Whatts ayo doain hear!" She asked putting her hands on her hips as though she were scolding some indolent children.

Sam exchanged looks with Dean but before he could speak, Harry said, "I helped them find a friend. It's okay… we're ah… just leaving now."

However, his words seemed to serve no purpose other than to alert to the Mary Sue that her second infatuation was present. She gave an odd little shriek and ran toward him, eyes glinting manically, arms outstretched.

_Crash!_

Harry Potter was knocked to the floor, a look of pure horror plastered to his face. He looked up at Sam who was staring at him and mouthed, "Run!"

This was good enough for Sam, who took off like a bat out of hell, Dean, L and B right on his tail. Lilac, too infatuated with the poor sixth year student, didn't even look up as the door slammed shut.

* * *

"I feel somewhat guilty about leaving him that way," L mused as he crouched down into an armchair. "Granted, running for our lives was the acceptable response when confronted with… _her_… but to leave Harry Potter to fend for himself seems somehow… immoral."

Dean was already shaking his head. "Every man for himself. I'm not buying into this whole 'being a hero' crap. You know the difference between a hero and a regular person? Regular people _live _longer."

It seemed that Harry's silencing charm was slowing wearing off, and B had regained some of the ability of speech. He gave a small, quiet laugh, and muttered, "Kill… it… dead."

"Dude, there's no way to kill it. This thing's invincible. Trapping it in its own rules? Yeah, that's not going to work, because as it just so happens, she hasn't laid down many rules, and does even _less_ than Ebony Dark'ness Overly Long Name, so there's less chance of anything contradicting past stuff. In fact, I'm not even sure why she tried to pass this off as a Harry Potter-Twilight fanfiction, when the only she seems interested in is molesting Edward…"

B growled wordlessly.

"Look," Sam interrupted, "Dean, we've all had a long night, and yeah, the Sue is kind of… exhausting. But we can figure this out."

Dean was silent for a moment before nodding. "You know, you're right. I mean, we killed a Trickster, after all."

"Actually, not quite…"

"That's right… Well, we almost killed a Trickster on multiple occasions."

"Not really; he kind of seemed to have the upper hand both times…"

"Fine, Sam – we were _near_ a Trickster. For several seconds."

L sighed loudly. "You two must be so proud. Maybe you can find a songwriter and have your heroic tale of Trickster proximity put into verse."

This earned him a venomous glare from Dean, but apparently he was too tired to think up a snarky response. "Alright," he said at last, running a hand over his face. "You know, it has been kind of exhausting lately. Now, if we just get a good night's sleep…" He glanced out the window. "Huh. Point in question. I'm so tired that I'm hallucinating now. I could swear that it looks like the sun is coming up…"

There was a long pause.

"I'm not hallucinating, am I?"

"Nope."

"Damn it." He drew in a deep breath, pacing to the opposite side of the room. "I have a class with Professor Reads-Too-Much-Edgar-Allen-Poe in about an hour. And I have a feeling – no, it's not a feeling – I _know_ that if I let my guard down, he's going to… Oh, Granny, I'm so tired I can't even finish a simple prediction of certain doom."

"Then don't go. He'd probably be—"

"What? No. Do you remember the conversation about the hot redhead earlier? I'm going if I have to _drag_ myself there."

"I recall that I had an answer to that. Jail bait."

Dean scoffed. "In any case, I'm hungry," he added. "Hopefully they have coffee."


	7. Chapter Seven

**A/N:** Seriously? The last update was in July? We feel horrible for making our loyal readers wait so long. But (excuse time!) we've had a lot of stuff going on with graduation. That's almost over now, so, hopefully... yeah, you'll see more chapters. Sooner. Like... 11 months sooner. Please don't hurt us. This chapter is the kick-off for the next one - dur - but, you'll be seeing WAY more Lilac soon. Aren't you overjoyed?

* * *

Chapter Seven

:::

There was no coffee.

Unable to think up an existing swear word that quite covered that, Dean made up a few on the spot, which earned him some looks from the surrounding students and did absolutely nothing to make him feel any better. Sighing, he finished the rampage with a slightly melodramatic claim of, "I'm doomed."

"Would you like some toast with your certain demise?" L asked.

"Do you ever sleep?"

"Sleep is for the weak." He pushed his untouched plate of toast across the table and opted to pour a copious amount of syrup onto his empty plate, and then eat it with his fingers.

Between that and B speed-eating a jar of strawberry jam, it was difficult to find a non-nausea-inducing place to look.

The moment of confused disgust didn't last long, however.

There were series a sudden of horrible, bone-chilling shrieks from near the doors. The Great Hall fell silent, hundreds of students turning as one to stare in horror at what had caused several Ravenclaw students to scream in mortal terror.

Kate stood in the doorway, though she was barely recognizable. Her skin and clothing were a nasty shade of grey-brown, the result of a thick coat of undried mud. Her hair, already not much to be proud of, had likewise been transformed into a wild, tangled mess of mud, grass, and pine needles. She appeared to be missing a shoe.

There were a few seconds of ringing silence, which Lilac eventually broke with a cry of, "ous ugli!2"

A few of the Slytherins snickered. The Ravenclaws seemed to be trying to politely suppress a gag reflex. Someone made a comment about how much they hated "that girl", in a tone that clearly suggested Lilac to be the girl in question, and in moments everyone had returned to their normal activities as if Kate's arrival was the most ordinary thing that they had seen in days.

Considering the Mary Sue's presence, it probably was.

Kate eventually trudged over to where the rest of her "friends" were sitting. Without looking up, L handed her a few napkins, and she began wiping off her face with a murmur of thanks.

"Wow," Dean said after a moment. "You lost the fight with nature, then?"

"Tried to escape. Went through the forest. Big swamp. Lilac's fault. Big dog. Need place to die." She managed to clear away about half of the mud, making her recognizably human again, and shot a glance in Lilac's direction. "I swear by the rings of Sarpedion V. She. Will. Pay."

"_Star Trek _fan?"

Even through the layer of mud glazing her cheeks, Kate's blush was practically luminous. "I, uh… well, yeah, kind of. I just, you know, watch the episodes…"

But this was simply too good to pass up. Dean gestured towards Lilac, smirking. "What're you going to do, curse her in Klingon?"

Kate's eyes narrowed. "It's the fastest growing language on the planet."

"Seriously, though, will you? It's almost worth letting you do it just so I can tell the story."

"I won't. If I started showing off for everyone who asked, I'd be the laughing stock of my clan."

"_Clan?_"

"We just— it's not a big deal! We just get together sometimes, hang out, role-play – it's nothing I'm ashamed of!"

This sent Dean into a fit of sleep-deprived laughter, but at the words 'role-play', B had abruptly twisted around to face her, a sort of maniacal light coming into his eyes. "…You ever role-play…_Twilight_?"

"I've never exactly read it—"

"You should. I think you'd make a great Alice." He smiled slowly. "I've got just the right costume, too. If you're ever bored, or something. Mmm. I love Alice… I mean, _really_."

There was silence. A few uncomfortable glances were traded, though B seemed oblivious as ever.

Sam eventually came to the rescue. "…He hasn't slept in a while."

:::

After managing to eat a few morsels of toast – quite a challenge as Edward Cullen had just entered the room and B was loudly fantasizing about what he wanted to do with him– Kate figured it was high time she got a change of clothes. Dean instantly got to his feet.

"I'll go with you."

Kate stared at him. "No, it's alright. I mean, you literally can't come with me."

"I'm not going to _change_with you," Dean said, a slight smirk forming. "Unless…"

She raised an eyebrow. Most people in this situation would be too distracted by the abject horror of being a trapped in an alternate dimension with a Mary Sue to be on the lookout for the ladies. Most people weren't Dean Winchester.

"Right, that's a no. Anyway, I'm just going to walk you there…" He glanced at Lilac who had begun to tap-dance on the Hufflepuff table, singing some melody about eternal love. One of the younger students had burst into tears. "I would _really_like to go with you."

Kate sighed but didn't protest. "Fine. Let's hurry; I think I'm going to gag."

Dean nodded and followed her from the Great Hall. The walk was rather silent for the most part. Kate saw Dean open his mouth several times in an attempt to fill the silence, but he always seemed to change his mind at the last moment. She didn't mind. She was covered in mud, fairly certain that it was the stinky clay kind, and was growing increasingly miserable. It was when they'd reached the Gryffindor Common room that Kate realized not only did she not have _any_ clothes here, but didn't even have a room.

"Great…" she said, hitting her forehead.

"What, forget something important?"

"Yup… I have no change of clothes."

Silence.

"I'm trying really hard not to take that in a dirty way… but—"

She smacked the back of his head. "Shut up."

Dean was spared answering – and digging himself a deeper hole – when Harry and Ron came down from their dormitory. Harry was obviously in a very bad mood.

"I just hate her," he was saying. "I hate her, from the bottom of her hooves to the top of her pitchfork."

Ron shook his head. "Sorry, mate. Don't know why this stuff always happens to you…"

"Well, the fact that I'm the main character might have something to do with it…"

"For once, I don't envy you a bit."

"It's still better than all those fics pairing you with your brothers…"

Ron almost physically jumped and shot him an alarmed look. "New topic."

"I hate to interrupt," Dean said with a cough, "but you wouldn't happen to know where Kate here could get a clean change of clothes?"

Harry stared for a moment at Kate, taking in her disastrous appearance. "Er… sure, I guess. What happened?"

"Tried to escape."

"Oh." He asked for no further elaboration. "Well, follow me, then."

**:::**

It turned out that they were headed for the kitchens. Personally, Kate didn't see how that was going to help. That was, until Harry explained that the house-elves down there would be able to give her a spare robe and clean her clothes for her. She frowned, she'd much rather have one of her holey-jeans and a T-shirt than a Hogwarts robe. She was well into her twenties, after all… As Harry tickled the pear in the painting, Kate wondered for the first time how she could even see and function at Hogwarts, being a normal person. Wasn't there some kind of muggle barriers or something?

"Welcome to the kitchens, Kate," Dean said with a broad grin. She raised her eyebrows, but didn't respond as she followed Harry inside. She gasped.

"Harry Potter!" Dobby the house-elf was before them instantly smiling broadly, his huge brown eyes slightly watery. "How is you Harry Potter? Dobby promises to never let that, that _thing_, inside. Never again, Harry Potter, sir."

"That's a relief," said Ron with a chuckle. Harry traded knowing looks with him.

"Dobby," he said looking back at Kate, "Can you maybe get my friend some clean clothes?"

Dobby nodded. "Yes! Harry Potter, sir!" He bowed and – along with half a dozen other elves – darted away. While they were gone, another group approached, carrying a plate of tea and biscuits. Kate blinked several times, taking it all in. Dean laughed.

"Have a cup of tea," he said nudging her. She nodded, wordlessly and proceeded to down the glass, burning her throat slightly in the process. She sputtered, making several of the elves to survey her with expressions of worry, as though not quite sure she was _all there._

Before she could even say thank you, Dobby was scurrying back, carrying a perfectly folded black robe in his arms. Behind him, other house-elves were bringing shoes, socks, a tie and, - to her horror – some underwear.

She elbowed Dean in the gut as he started to laugh. Ron fidgeted awkwardly.

"Here you go young Miss!" Dobby said presenting the clothes to her. She nodded and quickly darted away to get dressed, her face unbearably hot as Dean shouted after her, "I wish they had Victoria Secret!"

**:::**

Dean was in a good mood. He'd ditched his brother and his creepy… "_friend"…_ teased Kate, and saw some feminine underwear.

Life was good.

Of course, Kate was still seething, and very red. He thought it was sorta cute. Harry and Ron had been silent for the most part, Ron's ears slightly pink, Harry awkwardly wringing his knuckles.

It was at that moment that they rounded the corner to find an irate Draco Malfoy furiously hurtling jinxes at a portrait, the occupant of which had long since fled. They froze in their tracks, and after a moment Malfoy looked up, panting slightly.

And yet, he still had the inherent laudable self-confidence from who-knows-where, to icily demand, "What?"

Ron gestured to the now off-kilter portrait. "Could you hazard a guess?"

Half-amused, Dean noted that Malfoy looked oddly tired and drawn, a faint blush spreading across his pale face. That last bit might have had something to do with the fact that he'd just been caught in the act of unleashing his fury on and inanimate object.

His emotional distress was further evidenced by the fact that he continued talking to them. "Professor Snape's making me keep taking Charms with that… that thing!"

"Look, I know Flitwick isn't exactly your favorite person in the world—"

"No!" Malfoy looked around wildly before dropping his voice to a whisper. "The Sue."

Harry was unable to suppress a smile. "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

"Shove off, Potter. You've got no idea what it's like."

"Oh really? Tell me, has she tried to shove her tongue down your throat yet?"

"She turned my girlfriend into a guy!"

"You must've been overjoyed."

There was a loud bang. Kate shrieked something incoherent and the next minute Harry was thrown back onto the ground.

"Hey!" Dean yelled, but Malfoy had already darted away. He turned around, Ron and Kate leaning over a slightly burnt Harry Potter.

"Blimey, are you okay mate?" Ron asked shocked.

"I feel okay. How do I look?" Harry sat up and adjusted his glasses, which had at some point fallen off his face.

"Like you lost a fight with a blast-ended skrewt. So, about the same as usual."

Harry grinned. "Worth it. Completely worth it."

Dean shook his head. These _wizards_ were insane. He glanced at his watch and swore. "I have to… be somewhere. Like… now," and with that he pelted down the corridor a "I'll look you up later!" hanging in the air behind him.

He was going to be late for his class.

:::

Sam couldn't remember the last time he'd seen any textbook that was quite as interesting as this one. He'd been far from the books of Stanford for years now, separated from new information and forced to continuously peruse the same worn pages of his father's journal again and again, rarely learning anything new. The Transfiguration book he'd borrowed, however, was entirely new. He had no prior knowledge of magic, and even if learning the terminology and application wouldn't be exactly useful to him, if was still a fascinating glimpse into a culture he only knew the basics of. But for some reason, no amount of reading had ever looked less appealing.

B was _still_ staring at Edward.

…Not that it mattered.

Still completely uninterested in the book before him, Sam transferred his attention to the unused quill he held in his hand. It was lightweight, well-made. Probably fashioned from a Barn Owl's feather. It had the right tawny coloring, speckled with white along the edges. Then again, he wasn't entirely sure if that color was exclusive to Barn Owls. One of life's little mysteries.

Well, _this_ was fun.

B? Still staring.

In fact, looking around the classroom, pretty much _everyone_ was staring, glancing between Edward and B with expressions ranging from confusion to concern. Granted, it probably _did_ look a little weird to have some random guy with red eyes just staring at poor, unsuspecting—

Okay, _no_. Edward was staring back at him. (Looking a little worried, true, but _still_.) This was going too far.

Sam quickly seized hold of a piece of parchment and attempted to write a short message with the quill, which was rather more difficult than it looked. Ink blotted on the page at random places, leaving the note barely legible.

_I'm leaving._

He slid it across the desk to B, feeling oddly as if he were back in high school again. B glanced down, tilted his head to the side and frowned before scribbling a quick response.

_You can't just ditch. You're my best friend. I'll die if you leave me._

_Yeah, well, your "best friend" would prefer not to watch you drooling over a guy who sparkles._

B drew in a sharp breath as he read this, and wrote more quickly. His scribbled response was nearly indecipherable.

_Don't you __dare__ dismiss the sparkles! Edward Cullen is good, and pure, and wonderful!_

_No. Just no._

_Fine, bitch. Where are you going?_

_I don't know. I'm going for a walk._

Not waiting to give B another chance to intercept his attempts to flee the premises, Sam quickly gathered up his things and headed for the door. McGonagall looked up as he was leaving, but did not try to stop him. "Close the door on your way out," she sighed.

**:::**

When Dean finally found the Potions classroom, he was at least ten minutes late. He'd gone down the wrong hallway, and a ghost had given him crappy directions… you'd think he be able to find a dungeon. Rolling his eyes, he strode in to a whispering classroom.

"Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys."

They stared at him.

He cleared his throat and made an attempt to salvage the scenario. By changing the topic. "Where's the pale guy?"

One of the girls in the front row – Harmony? He was pretty sure her name was something along those lines – spoke up. "Straightening out class schedules. He said you could manage on your own."

"I'm sure he did." Sounded like just the sort of thing the guy would do. Dean had the feeling this was the beginning of what was going to be an… _adventure_. He had no earthly idea what sort of things were taught in wizard school. Sam was the nerd. Sure, telling them about all the shit he dealt with on a daily basis was an _option_, but they didn't exactly have to rely on rock salt and iron. Hell, their ghosts seemed almost friendly. Like Casper's extended family or something.

Well, there had to be _some_ common ground here.

"So what do you guys know about cursed objects?"

Almost instantly, the same girl's hand shot into the air.

Dean gave up. He was too tired to feel awkward. "What's your name?"

"Hermione Granger."

_Whoa, imagine growing up with _that_ handle. Yikes._

"Okay. Yeah. You. Go."

"Cursed Objects are… objects which have been cursed," she said. "Usually by a dark wizard, and usually with the intent of causing harm to a person or persons. Examples would be a book which sears the eyes of any would-be readers, or a Hand of Glory—"

Dean choked on laughter.

"—which is the severed hand of a man who was hanged as a murderer…" She trailed off.

He was in a class of teenagers. Not the time to start making dirty jokes. He took a deep breath, recovering. _Keep it together. _"Right. Exactly. Except for all that crap about dark wizards. It doesn't take a wizard to make a cursed object." He stuffed a hand into his pocket, felt a tiny tuft of fur beneath his fingers, and dragged out the rabbit's foot.

This class might actually be fun after all.

Ron seemed like the most laid back member of the group, the least likely to panic or take things too seriously.

It made him the perfect target.

"Hey, Ginger Kid. Catch."

He tossed the foot across the room in a low arch. Ron caught it… barely. For some reason, Harry suddenly cringed, as if this was some sort of negative omen for the future. Maybe they were on some sort of wizard baseball team together. With jerseys. And a magical scoreboard that counted in dead languages.

Heh. _That_ was just ridiculous. Wizards didn't have sports.

Ron examined the foot for a moment, rolling it between his hands with a look of ultimate confusion. "What the…?"

"It's your lucky day," Dean said, pacing to the front of the room. "You see, that is the, uh, left hind foot of a rabbit, cut off in a cemetery during a full moon on Friday the thirteenth. So it's legit. You'll have crazy awesome luck… until you lose it. And trust me, you _will_ lose it. Then your luck will turn bad. So bad that you'll eventually… die. Horrifically."

Ron looked suitably terrified, which Dean took a moment to enjoy before deciding to be merciful. "I'm _kidding_, dude. I bought that one at a casino."

Ron gave a huge sigh. "Bloody hell…"

"That is how you make a 'lucky' rabbit's foot, though. No dark wizards involved. And the only way to stop it is—"

"To cast _Finite Incantatem_," said a dark voice from the doorway. "Which I'm sure everyone who attended this class in their second year will remember."

Well, what a friggin' _surprise_. Snape stood there, looking like some sort of oversized bat. From the look on his face – like he'd just smelled something particularly distasteful – Dean had a feeling that the professor wasn't particularly pleased with these teaching methods.

After a split second's tension, he shrugged and tried to act like it was completely normal to see some sort've creepy ass Goth wannabe interrupting the class. "Thought you were going to leave it up to me today."

Snape ignored him, sweeping up to the front of the class. "Thank you, Winchester. I'll take it from here." Without waiting for a response, he went on, "Now that that little… _pop quiz_… is out of the way, we'll move on to today's _actual_ subject. Nonverbal spells. Can anyone tell me what the advantage of—"

Hermione raised her hand. Dean was starting to get the feeling that this would be a pretty easy class to skate through, with her answering all the questions.

"…casting a nonverbal spell is," Snape finished. He looked around, as if desperately hoping to find someone else who has the answer… and made the mistake of glancing at Dean. Who, of course, couldn't pass up an opportunity like that.

Grinning, he pointed to Hermione. "I think she had her hand up first."

Snape's face contorted in what was either a very large twitch or a very small seizure. He turned back to the class with a smile that looked more like a grimace. "Very well – Miss Granger."

"Your adversary has no warning about what kind of magic you're about to perform, which gives you a split-second advantage," she said without hesitation.

Snape took on an icy tone. "An answer copied almost word for word from _The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Six_," he said.

Malfoy snickered.

"But it is correct in essentials," Snape went on. "Yes, those who progress to using magic without shouting incantations gain an element of surprise in their spell-casting. Not all wizards can do this, of course; it is a question of concentration and mind power which some…" His gaze fell on Harry. "…_lack_."

Dean was starting to see why this kid was the main character. If you had the balls to just glare back at Tall, Dark, and Creepy after a look like that, you friggin' _deserved_ that title of honor.

"You will now divide into pairs," Snape said. "One partner will attempt to jinx the other without speaking. The other will attempt to repel the jinx in equal silence. Carry on."

There was a murmur of activity as everyone paired off. Snape turned back to his desk and began straightening a few rolls of parchment.

"Thought you were going to leave it up to me today," Dean repeated.

Snape twirled his wand in his fingers and shot him a murderous look. "Need I remind you that I am _fully_ capable of utilizing this?"

Dean grinned. "You kinky bastard, I don't swing that way." Because it probably wasn't a good idea to leave that hanging out there, he quickly cast around for a distraction. In a classroom full of wizards, it wasn't difficult to find. "Hey, check out the ginger kid. He's gonna give himself an aneurism."

Indeed, Ron, who was supposed to be jinxing Harry, was now purple in the face, his lips tightly compressed to save himself from the temptation of muttering the incantation. Harry was watching him nervously.

"Pathetic, Weasley. Here, let me show you—"

He turned toward Harry, wand raised, and a look of utter terror fell across the young wizard's face. All thought of nonverbal spells clearly forgotten, he suddenly shouted some sort of random gibberish. A spell, maybe, apparently one so strong that Snape is knocked off balance. He glared at Harry, straightening his robes.

"Do you remember me telling you that we were practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?"

"Yes," Harry said stiffly.

"Yes, _sir_."

"There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor."

A few people gasped.

"_Detention_," Snape said. "Saturday night. My office. I do not take cheek from anyone, Potter… including the _Chosen One_."

:::

"Edward Cullen!"

"Oh. _No_." Edward Cullen froze in the process of getting up from his seat. He seemed to be considering running for his life, and B didn't blame him. You never knew when Lilac could ambush you around here. At last, slowly, he turned. "Hello, B."

_Edward Cullen remembered my name! I love the way he says my name. I love his voice. I should get him to say that again. I wonder if he'll let me touch his hair…_

What he actually said was the closest he could come to being articulate with all of those thoughts running around in his head. "You've never worn that shirt on a Tuesday before."

"Well… no. I haven't."

"You look… good." _Perfect, flawless, Adonis-like; other synonyms for beautiful. _"That color really compliments your eyes." _And your skin, and your hair, and your perfect body, and—_

"Uh… thanks, B."

_HE SAID IT AGAIN! Yes, yes, yes! My life is complete…_

"You're welcome, Edward Cullen."

They stared at each other.

_Oh. Wait. He can read my thoughts._

"Yes, I can," Edward Cullen said. He gave a small, awkward smile. A beautiful crooked smile.

B sighed and found himself smiling back. "Well. I'm sorry you had to hear that, then."

"Er, it's no big deal. Was there anything you wanted?"

"Yes. Oh, you mean right _now_. Yeah. I was going to ask you to have lunch with me." He lowered his voice. "You know, like you did with Bella, on page two-hundred six of Twilight. The 2005 edition, I mean. Not the new one with this bad cover art, the good one." The edition that Sammy had thrown out the window after B had bought a wolf for Dean. _That_ edition. "I know you don't really like food, but, well, I imagined that I could eat something and you could talk to me. And we could exchange longing looks with one another from across the table."

"B, I don't really know if that's a good idea… I was planning on playing the piano today for… an indefinite amount of time."

"Oh, please, Edward Cullen. _Please_."

"I don't think I can—"

"Okay, do whatever you have to do, then we'll meet up. We can always switch lunch to dinner… Or I could get us some food and I could join you while you play piano for an indefinite amount of time. I won't disturb you, I _promise_. Unless you want me to."

Edward Cullen looked at him for a long moment with those beautiful, scorching ocher eyes. He shuddered. Sighed. "All right. Lunch, then. Come on."

:::

At 12:03, Edward was regretting that decision.

At 12:06, Hogwarts was very close to complete annihilation.


End file.
